Perfection

About five months ago, we went through a very challenging period with KK. Out of the blue, she went through a complete regression back to being a baby. No. Worse than being a baby, because she required even more attention than JJ did at the time.

She refused to dress herself, feed herself, talk properly, walk... everything but the potty training regressed. And every day, all day, I pleaded with God not to let me lose the potty training. She wanted me to put her "night-night panties" (pull-ups) on like a diaper though. (And after not seeing her bum in that position since she was about 20 months old, it seemed like an extra abnormally large bum on which to be putting a diaper.)

Every day, it felt like she regressed more and I couldn't figure out what to do about it. She was requiring so much extra attention that I basically put JJ in the jumperoo and left him there for a month. (He was happy. He loved that jumperoo.) I felt like something was going on with her that couldn't be solved by simply ordering her to be a big girl, although I did have "less patient" days, where ordering her was all I did. I was at my wits end.

Had this all happened when JJ was born, it wouldn't have surprised me. I was prepared for it all to happen when he was born in fact. No, it happened when he was 6 months old and completely blindsided me.

One night, I was discussing it with a very wise old man on the phone (Oh, hi dad!). My dad prayed with me for a while that night and afterward told me that he felt we really needed to just wait it out. It was the same advice that my mom had given me in more or less words. If we forced her through it too fast, we'd have to go through it all over again.

Then my dad said something that sparked a change in my perspective about parenting. This change in perspective took about a month to develop, but started like this (or something like this):

"Toots (yeah, go ahead and laugh), I know you really want to do this right, and you're trying so hard to do everything the right way... but I think that there might not be one right way here. I think you might just have to wait it out. And everything will be ok. You're doing a good job."

That advice resonated with me... and then grew into an amazing perspective change for me. About a month later, it suddenly dawned on me, I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS PERFECTLY.

I know, right? Of course I don't have to do this perfectly. But it wasn't until that moment, that I put it into words and started giving myself some grace. It was earth-shattering for me.

I'm textbook type-A personality, so I always try to do everything perfect. And it's exhausting. And that was fine when I was in high-school and had very little else to manage. But right now, I have a lot to manage. And I don't have to do it all perfect. Not that I was, by any stretch of the imagination.

That doesn't mean that I don't try to do my best at everything. But some days, my best is different than other days. And some days I have really not perfect days and I go too far the other direction. But most of the time, I'm good enough. And good enough, is good enough.

I'm not perfect. And that's ok.

TMI: Saving money and losing weight?

My family, we never get sick. Yeah, we get the viruses that are going around, but they never knock us off our feet.

Not so much this month. Yep, that's right. We got hit again.

Sunday afternoon, we went to my SIL's home to attend a private memorial for Peanut-lover's Grandma. By the time the formal portion of the memorial was over, Peanut-lover was feeling pretty rough. Like needing to sleep curled-up around the toilet rough. And we were still 90 minutes from home...

He let me drive, which tells you how sick he was because he never lets me drive. (And don't go feeling sorry for me, I never want to drive!) And he didn't even comment that I was riding the right shoulder, nor did he double-check my shoulder checks. He was too busy trying to keep all the body fluids in. (I'm sorry, but you should have known when I titled this TMI that there would be too much information!) We stopped every 15 minutes on the way home, which made for a very long, very stressful drive.

Peanut-lover was out for a whole day.

And then I got queasy. And not the good kind of queasy that means you're growing a baby (although it was a good reminder of how miserable I was when I was pregnant!) I was feeling pretty rough by bedtime on Monday, but as it turns out, I was not the next to get sick.

By 11:30, I had just dozed off to sleep, when I heard KK crying in the kids' room. And sure enough, it had got her. And her jammies. And her bed.

By some miracle, I managed to clean her up and change her bed without waking JJ. I got her a "barf bucket" and climbed into bed with her. But sleep was not to come for many hours. Finally at about 2 am, which was right about the time I started barfing, we clued in that some of us would sleep better if KK and I slept in our room, kicking leaving Daddy out on the couch, and JJ in the kids' room. And by some of us, I mean JJ. KK and I didn't really settle until about 5:30 am. We just kept taking turns barfing. And crying.

Every nurse has some thing that she can't deal with. Whether it be mucus, or urine, or pus, or gangrene, there's one thing for every nurse. For me, it is barf. I cannot watch anyone barf. I got to watch a lot of barfing Monday night.

Fortunately, this time around, I took my bff Harmony's advice, and got sick after Peanut-lover, so he was quite sympathetic. He stayed home until I could manage the kids on Tuesday, and then only went to work for a little longer than the afternoon nap. I finally tried to eat at dinnertime, but still wasn't able to hold anything down, so Peanut-lover became Super-Daddy and dealt with the kids so I could focus on not barfing rest.

Today, we are just working on getting our strength back. Oh, and catching up on piles and piles of laundry. So far, JJ has managed to escape this one.

If there's anything good to be found in this experience, it is this: I am down 3 pounds and we have saved a lot of money on groceries in the past three weeks.

Yeah, way to look at the bright side Peanut.

The chair

Yesterday, we received an urgent call from Peanut-lover's dad, Poppa. Peanut-lover's Grandma was admitted to the hospital on Tuesday with pneumonia and sepsis. They managed to fluid resuscitate her that night, but yesterday, she became fluid overloaded and was not expected to survive the night. She was asking specifically for us to come out, so we quickly packed up and went. We returned home early this morning and have not yet received any update about how Grandma's night went.

Most of the time we were there, I was entertaining my kids in the lounge so Peanut-lover could be with his family. The lounge had a large reclining chair that was controlled by remote. Several times during the night, I had the opportunity to watch my kids sit with Poppa in this special chair, while he patiently let them control the remote.

Peanut-lover comes from a very large family (11 kids, 6 spouses, 12 grandkids...), and we are the only members of the family who don't live in the same city as everyone else. So my kids don't really get much one-on-one time with their Nanna and Poppa.

It was really precious for me to see the bonding that occurred between them, sitting in this special chair with their Poppa. Going up and down, back and forth, wherever their little fingers told the chair to go.

I'm sure it meant something to Poppa to have that one-on-one time with my kids and I know it meant something to KK, but mostly, it meant something to me. It's easy in a very large family to feel forgotten. Thanks Poppa for showing me that my kids are important to you. Thanks for showing me that they are easily delighted in.

And thanks special chair for providing the place.

Conversations with KK: On being not fun

Lately, I've been trying to be a little more fun.

Why, you ask?

Because, I'm NOT fun.

No, seriously. I got it straight from the higher-ups: NOT FUN.

Who are these higher-ups, you ask? And what are their qualifications?

Well...

KK: Mommy, why you not go at work and Daddy stay home?

Mommy: You mean, daddy stay at home with you guys instead of mommy?

KK: Yep.

Mommy: That would be more fun, wouldn't it? Having daddy here all the time.

KK: Yep.

Mommy: Yeah, mommy's not as much fun as daddy, is she?

KK: No mommy, you NOT fun. (Period)

Oooohhh... that one stung!

We're back!

Ok, so that was quite a waste of a week last week. I've never seen any of my family that sick before.

JJ, who never stops moving, laid limp for 3-4 days. I don't think he even tried to move himself once during those days. If I put him down on the floor for a minute, he would just fall over onto his blankie and lay there until I came back. One time I came back to find this:

I love that he sought comfort from his big sister. I love that she so readily offered it to him.

On the Saturday (Nov 8), we held KK's birthday party down in our building's lounge. This was the first birthday party that I actually enjoyed planning because it was all about making it special for KK. But by about mid-party, I was so sick that all I could do was sit on the couch with my boiling hot son and wonder how I was going to make all these people go home. (That sounds horrible doesn't it?). Fortunately, my family stayed to help clean up because I was completely useless by that point.

Sunday, I was worse and then Monday, I was even worse than that. I can't even remember much of Monday, but I spent most of the day dozing off on the floor of the living room while KK played movie after movie and poked me in the eyes, begging me to stay awake. JJ was (rather fortunately for me) still sick, so he slept lots and if he didn't, I guess he must have played in his crib because I sure didn't hear from him.

Monday morning, I had managed to summon up all my energy to drag myself downtown and attend an appointment with my mom. I sat there dabbing my eyes and nose constantly, so much so that the specialist thought I was crying and overreacting about my mom's health. I was glad I went because I was able to clarify some things for my mom.

Anyway, since I had spent part of the morning away, Peanut-lover went in to work quite late. Before he left, I begged him not to work late because I felt so sick and asked him if he could possibly work on the Tuesday holiday instead because I would probably feel better by then. I was greatly relieved when he arrived home on time.

Tuesday, JJ and I were starting to feel better, but Peanut-lover had it really rough. He couldn't even stay out of bed he was so ill, so I took care of him and KK, who was starting to get sick. JJ was almost back to himself, so was requiring quite a lot of attention and energy, neither of which I really had yet... but somehow I managed. Peanut-lover ended up sleeping about 36 hours straight before he started to feel better, and even still he is coughing quite a bit.

Wednesday night, KK developed croup and was having such a hard time breathing, that we decided to bring her into bed with us. We tried taking her out into the cold night air, but it wasn't cold enough to make a difference for her. I probably watched her breathe while she slept for about an hour before I decided that she'd make it without a trip to emerg. That night was really rough, with her being so restless and Peanut-lover coughing so much. After repeatedly being kicked and rolled over by KK, I finally moved out onto the couch and got myself a few hours of sleep.

We spent the rest of the week and weekend a grumpy, miserable, oozing, coughing mess. We still have lingering coughs, but seem to be over the worst of it.

I hope this one doesn't get you (and I'm really glad that biological viruses haven't yet figured out how to travel through the internet). If it does get you, I recommend that you just climb into bed and stay there for a week. This one is no joke...

We're still alive...

We've been taken down by a nasty flu bug. It started with JJ last week. For three days he laid limp in my arms. Then he developed croup. Then we had to take him to emerg because his breathing was quite laboured. Then it got me. Then it got KK. Then it got Peanut-lover.

We have laid around the house for a few days now, barely remembering to breathe or eat. I haven't kept up with emails or blogs or facebook. I've basically been a glorified paper-weight... except that the paper I'm holding down is kleenex.

I hope to be back to myself real soon. Until then... please send kleenex and cough candies!

Happy Birthday Little One

Dear KK,

Three years ago, after the rush of all the family coming to meet you had settled, I held you in my arms and started to fall in love with you. As I stared at your tiny features, I repeated over and over to myself, "I'm a mommy. This is my baby. I have a baby girl." It was like I needed to convince myself that you were real, that we were real.

I had no idea how to be a mommy, but I knew you would teach me. You've taught me lots of things. I didn't know I could love someone so much more than myself and yet, I didn't know how hard it would sometimes be to set my own needs and wants aside to tend to yours. I didn't know how your world would wrap itself completely around mine until I wasn't me anymore without you. I didn't know how good you could smell or sometimes, how bad. I didn't know how far poop could travel or how quickly it could get me out of church.

That first night, neither you or I could sleep, with you so far away from me, laying in the bassinet beside my bed. It was hard to let you be away from me. Finally, our kind nurse let me bring you in bed with me and, cuddled up together, we both slept peacefully.

When you turned one, I had so much fun discovering your little personality. Watching you learn, always at least one step ahead of where I thought you were.

And then suddenly you were two, and boy, could you chatter!

This has been a difficult year for us, you and me. You have had to learn that you are not in charge. I have had to learn that even though I am in charge, I don't always have to get my way. You have challenged me and strengthened me. You have taught me patience. You have taught me silliness.

This year brought the end of our twosome. You have had to learn how to share me, and I have had to learn how to share you. I admire you for never, ever resenting your brother for taking away my attention. And I adore watching you love him.

Last night, we couldn't wait to give you your birthday present, so mommy quickly wrapped it up and we let you hold it while we finished dinner.

We probably could have bought ourselves another day just because of the excitement you had about your present being wrapped in Doodlebops paper. Finally we let you open it up: your own Deedee Doodle costume! (I think it's possible that mommy and daddy were even more excited than you, but don't tell anyone!)

I'm pretty sure we will never see your beautiful blonde curls again, but hey, you're rocking the pink hair!

Little one, I know I don't do this as well as I'd like, and some days we butt heads all day, and more often than I'd like, I fail. But know this: in my heart, I want to be the best mommy for you. I want you to know that you are delighted in, cherished, adored... loved in a way you won't understand until you have a little girl of your own. (And after I told you tonight that I want to be the best mommy for you, you caressed my face and told me that you wanted to be the best little girl for me. You already are!)

Happy 3rd birthday precious girl!

I've still got one baby

If you are feeling bad for me, with my baby boy growing up so fast, I want to reassure you that I've still got one baby.

I'll let you take a peek at her, but sssshhhhhh! I think she's sleeping.

Perhaps it's time to get her a new car seat?

(Just in case you are from child protective services and don't have a sense of humor, I'm SO kidding!)

100 things you may not know about me

As this is my 100th post, and because I like rules (even if they are imaginary), I am reposting my updated 100 things list. Yep, that's right. Re-posting. Because when I was new, I didn't realize it was supposed to be posted to celebrate my 100th post (and yes, I'm aware that the rules are imaginary... I like rules that much). And I apologize to those who have followed me from the beginning. I like you, but I also like the newbies.... and I really like rules.

1. My real name is not Peanut.
2. I'm fast approaching 30.
3. 30 really isn't as old as I used to think it was.
4. My favourite color is blue.
5. My best girlfriend's favourite color is blue.
6. I took french-immersion until the end of grade 9.
7. I gave it up because I felt lost in the school and wanted to go to school with my friends
8. It was one of the best decisions I've ever made!
9. I graduated as the "Top Academic Student" and "Top All-Around Student" in high school.
10. Both awards came as a complete shock to me!
11. I won enough scholarships/bursaries to pay for my first two years of University.
12. I started out doing a chemistry degree with the intention of going to medical school.
13. I realized that a career in medicine was not going to allow me to have the family life I desired.
14. I transferred to the nursing program.
15. I've been an RN for 5 years.
16. Nursing is my calling.
17. My work is incredibly challenging, but also very fulfilling.
18. I work with some great people, who care a lot about their patients.
19. I'm married to my best friend.
20. His real name is not Peanut-lover.
21. We've been married for over 6 years.
22. We met at University.
23. When he first saw me, I was wearing an orange shirt.
24. When I first saw him, he was wearing a red shirt.
25. We both still own those shirts, but he refuses to wear his (even though he still looks HOT in it!)
26. When he first saw me, I was reading the book "Finding the Love of your life". True story.
27. The evening after he first saw me, he told his friends that he'd found the girl he was going to marry.
28. They asked what my name was. He didn't know, so they called me Natasha.
29. Natasha is not my real name.
30. After a few weeks of stalking me seeing me around school, he got brave and sent a friend over to meet me.
31. Shortly after we first met, I told him that I was going to marry someone else.
32. I even showed him a picture of that someone else.
33. I didn't marry someone else.
34. Peanut-lover and I hung out at school for about 2 months before we started dating.
35. We dated for almost a year, then he proposed.
36. He was planning on waiting till our one-year anniversary to propose.
37. But once he picked up the ring, he freaked out and proposed within hours.
38. I knew he was going to propose soon, but I didn't think he had the ring yet.
39. We had picked out the ring together, then he left me in the car to talk about financing.
40. He told me they didn't do financing, so we'd have to wait.
41. I'm really naive.
42. He had purchased the ring that day.
43. He proposed with a ring.
44. I was too caught up with how pretty it was to cry.
45. I meant to cry.
46. We got married in May because I love the spring.
47. We got married one week after my final exams.
48. I skipped a week of Nursing school for my honeymoon.
49. It was worth it!
50. Peanut-lover is nearing the completion of his PhD.
51. In Neuroscience.
52. His educational life itself is old enough to drink alcohol, even in the States.
53. He uses a lot of really big words.
54. I have mild scoliosis. My spine twists to the right between my shoulder blades and to the left in the middle of my back.
55. Even though it is mild, my scoliosis causes me a lot of pain. I do physio and special exercises regularly.
56. I had part of my tailbone surgically removed 9 years ago. The coccyx part.
57. I keep it in a jar of formaldehyde. I'm that weird.
58. We purchased our first home 4 years ago.
59. When we first moved in, we kept "losing" each other in all the space.
60. Now we keep losing each other under all our stuff.
61. We live in 900 sq. ft.
62. It requires a lot of organization to have 4 people in such small quarters.
63. I don't want to have to clean more than 900 sq. ft of home.
64. I don't want to have to chase children in more than 900 sq. ft of home.
65. I have a 3-year-old daughter.
66. Her name is not KK.
67. She is obsessed with the doodlebops.
68. I spent the last 7 weeks of my pregnancy with her on bedrest.
69. I developed pre-eclampsia at 36 weeks and had to be induced at 38 weeks.
70. My labor was 2.5 hours long.
71. I had a difficult recovery which involved many nurse visits and one emerg visit.
72. I breast-fed KK for almost 21 months.
73. I was already pregnant when she and I weaned.
74. I have a 10-month-old son.
75. His name is not JJ.
76. I first felt him move when I was 9 weeks pregnant. He's that active!
77. I spent the last 3 weeks of my pregnancy with him on bedrest.
78. I developed pre-eclampsia at 35 weeks.
79. He was delivered without induction at 38 weeks.
80. My labor was 6 hours long.
81. He and I came home six hours after he was born.
82. It was much easier to recover at home, with my family to care for me.
83. I thought of getting pregnant again just so that I could hang out with my midwives more.
84. It was just the hormones.
85. I'm on maternity leave until January 2009.
86. I have only thought about work twice since I've been off.
87. I will be returning for one shift/weekend.
88. I enjoy being at home with my kids.
89. I enjoy managing our home.
90. I enjoy cooking great meals for my family.
91. I love ethnic foods, especially Indian, Korean, and Mexican.
92. I love photography.
93. I keep about 100-200 good photos a month.
94. I dream about taking some photography courses.
95. I dream about buying a DSLR camera. One day...
96. I'm a homebody and find it very difficult to get out of the house, especially with two kids!
97. I am very shy and hate having attention drawn to me.
98. When I try to speak out in a group setting, the words come out in the wrong order, or occasionally upside-down.
99. It is an endless source of frustration for me because I actually have things I want to say.
100. Hence the blog.

You guys have got my back, right?

I did something really crazy this morning you guys. Something I've been thinking about doing for a little while. But it's something I can't undo. See if you can figure out what I did.

OK, here's KK a couple of days ago:

And here's KK this morning (she refused to pose for a picture, so I'm showing you two):

Yep! I cut her hair! Aaaacccckkkk! Maybe a little shorter than I had planned?

I'm going to be in so much trouble when her daddy gets home.

But it was time, right guys?! And it looks really cute now, right?! You've got my back if daddy's upset, m'kay?

(And yes, she dresses like that every day)