Me, not so much.
I'd like to always be all pink and light pink, with little white stripes, a joke here and there. But
I'm this close to losing it people.
I haven't had a break in weeks. Not a long enough break to rejuvenate me. Not even a grocery-shopping-trip-break.
And it's not Peanut-lover's fault. He's at his breaking point too. Without going into great detail, he's been supporting his friend through the worst situation anyone can imagine. And getting extra pressure put on him from work. And that leaves no time for him to help me. I tell him that I ask him to do more, not because I don't think he's doing enough, but because I. Can't. Do. Any. More. And I don't know what else to do.
Me, me, me. Doesn't that sound all selfish of me? I hate it. Aren't I supposed to be all giving and loving and self-sacrificing? Well I have been. And it's burning me out.
I now know what it means to have "had it up to here". It's continually setting your own needs and wants aside. It feels like I'm constantly stuffing "me" down, like filling a suitcase to its max and then sitting on it to be able to close it (you know, like we all did before the airlines added all the luggage fees). I can actually feel it in my chest... and it feels like it's going to explode! And seriously, I can't deal with having to clean up my exploded self on top of everything else around here.
If you know me, you know that I'm not the type to go throwing things and breaking stuff. But I feel like throwing things and breaking stuff. Not my children. I have just barely enough self-control not to do that.
So that's me. All black and zigzaggy.
What do I want from you? Tell me you've been there too and that I'll make it. Tell me this is only a short time and I'll get through. Tell me how you did it.
I need to know I'm not alone.
Dear Peanut,
ReplyDeleteYour post took me back to several years ago when I was raising my children too. In fact, I reached and paged through my diary as you actually said similar things that I had back during those days.
What you are experiencing is nothing new. Your mother, my mother – her mother all experienced times of ‘I can’t take it anymore'. It doesn’t make us bad or ill equipped people. It just means that life at this moment in time is overwhelming.
Raising children is not an easy task. Raising children is at heart a practice that engages and embodies a rich variety of developed and undeveloped theories and skills. Like all parents, you have found that raising children is both challenging and unpredictable; however, there is nothing that compares to the lessons learned by being a parent or the joys in the innocent delight of watching your babes just being children or the unconditional love so readily given.
Raising children is the most important job in the world. Raising children is a wonderful and challenging life experience. Downgrading the importance of raising children is the greatest evil of our times. Raising children is a never-ending job. Raising children is much harder than it looks, but with patience and hope, children can mature into very emotionally-secure adults – I know this first hand, my children did.
The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side.
Sometimes when we become overwhelmed we just need a couple of hours of rest, a massage or just something that brings us back to the normal human state again and we can continue on. In fact, it takes very little to accomplish this – just a little time and good planning.
There is no doubt that you are an amazing wife and mother! You have been blessed with many qualities that make you that amazing woman. Rest my child, rest.
This post caused me to well up a bit! I so know what you are going through as I'm sure most moms do. You are definately not alone!! It is harder in these times. We don't live very close to family (I really don't!). There was a time when family all lived so close and the women all helped each other, we are lacking in that area these days. We are so busy and consumed with our own lives. I wish I was closer to help. Do you have any friends at church that can help, babysit for a few hours? A grandparent that can take KK for a night? We put on a brave front and people don't know we are struggling, sometimes we need to ask for help. God knows your struggle right now. The verse that says God won't give us more than we can handle is true. Just as you really are at the brink, all of a sudden, it gets better. And it will get better! IT WILL!!! I promise! It will never be easy, but it will get better. Miss you tons and praying for you!
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