True Confessions

I have a confession to make.

KK will be turning 4 in November. Registration for preschools for 2009-2010 was held in January to March.

Um, just between you and me: I didn't register KK for preschool in September... (and I'm okay with that!)

Shhh! Don't tell anyone!! In this area, where many children are starting preschool at the age of two, I could be severely persecuted for not putting my child in preschool.

It's not that I have a problem with preschool. No problem at all in fact. I just know it's not right for my little girl.

Why not? Well, it comes down to independence. Right from the beginning with KK, I have recognized that I can't push independence on her. Well, I could, but I know that it would create an anxious, mistrusting child. It has come up in every single level of independence that she has achieved. While I have felt pressure from outside influences to push her to the next level of independence (sleeping on her own, weaning, socialization), I have always known in my heart that she would more healthily attain that level of independence if I let her get there on her own. And you know what? She has!

I remember the early days of motherhood, when I would get an anxiety-provoking email from Babycenter about what my child should be doing at each age. Let's take falling asleep on her own for an example. Every single email told me that she should be falling asleep on her own. So I would chastise myself for not letting her fall asleep on her own and vow to teach her how. Those days were pure misery. I would cry it all out to Peanut-lover and he would remind me of the same thing each time: I was her mommy and I knew her best. As soon as I would go back to reading her cues, peace would once again reign in our home. And so, yes, I spent 15-18 months rocking her to sleep every night. Then one night, she pointed to her bed and said, "In there"... I put her in her bed and she has fallen asleep at bedtime on her own ever since. She was ready. And you know what else? I treasure the memories of the nights I spent rocking her to sleep. I don't get to do that with JJ. He was independent from birth. Well, when it comes to sleeping at least.

I have been fretting about this preschool thing for months.... looking into preschools and not finding what we're looking for.... checking my heart to see whether it is for her good or for my own good.... trying to figure out where the money would come from.... praying for God to show me what would work best for us.

Last night, or rather very early this morning, I came to a conclusion for which I feel a great amount of peace: She's not ready. And I'm not ready. And that's okay.

Academically, I'm not at all concerned. There is plenty of evidence out there demonstrating that children learn best from attentive interaction with their mother. Socially, I'm not concerned. Our city offers free preschool where parents attend with their children on a drop-in basis. That sounds perfect to me. And we have church and a-million-and-a-half cousins as well. If that don't develop you socially, I don't know what will.

As for the adjustment to daily kindergarten classes, I'm not concerned about that either. She will be an entire year older when that happens and I'm quite sure, because I am her mommy and I know her, that she will do just fine. If not, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

The best part? I spoke with Peanut-lover about it this morning, expecting a lot of resistance from him. But instead, he fully agreed with me. Yesterday, he had the opportunity to see KK demonstrate just how much independence she has developed when she made a friend at the park, all on her own.

Oh, and if anyone asks me if she's in preschool (which people have been doing for 2 years), I now have my answer: We're homeschooling :)