In honor of Valentines Day

If you look at the list of what I write about, you may notice that I don't write very often about Peanut-lover. I think grown-up, marriage love is kind of hard to write about. It is hard to put the depth of it into words. Here is one of my favourite posts I wrote about love.

From the archives: July 29, 2008

My heart has been broken a few times in my life.

The first time my heart was broken, I was 14. I thought I was in love. Maybe I was. It was love to the deepest degree that I knew at the time. And the beginning of my journey to finding what true love meant.

He's the one everyone looks back on and rolls their eyes. Just the mention of his name causes my parents' blood pressure to rise. He was the bad boy in our youth group and I thought I could rescue him. I swear, he must have cheated on me every weekend. But he'd cry and I'd forgive him. Over and over. He dumped me at Teen Camp, clearly because there was a lot more exploring to do there.

From him, I learned that love is not just picking someone and being loyal to them no matter what they do or how they treat you.

The second time, I was 18. We had been dating for 3 years and everyone expected us to get married. But I had just left home to go to University and I wanted freedom. I had to break his heart and it was an agonizing decision that took months for me to figure out.

From him, I learned that love belongs to you only and cannot be controlled by how much everyone else wants it to happen.

The third time, I was 19. This time, I fell deep and fast. My dad had always warned me to "guard my heart". This time I didn't and I gave my whole heart to him. He got scared and needed some space. I was devastated, depressed, destroyed.

From him, I learned that even though love makes you vulnerable, you can recover and be whole on your own again.

I'd love to be able to say that I didn't ever love anyone before my husband, but the truth is, the love I had was real. As real as I knew how to love at that time and maturity level. Each experience of heartbreak shaped me into the wife I am today and helped me learn how to love the right way...

...without being mistreated...


...apart from others' expectations...


...so deeply that the vulnerability is scary.


And I live in a love now that is safe and deep, loyal and brave. Ours alone.

For more stories on heartbreak, head on over to Absolutely Bananas.

On this, the day before Valentines Day, you can bet there are a lot of teenage girls running around either completely in love or completely heartbroken. We tend to roll our eyes at them, thinking, that's not/wasn't love. At least I've caught myself doing that. But I've realized in looking back at my journey to true love, that love is just like any other skill we develop. We always think that we are at the maximum of that skill, until we are forced to grow. Love is the same. A girl's first experience with love, as shallow as it may seem to us who know true love, is the deepest that she has ever known. I hope I can remember this when KK is a teenager. I think it will help me understand her better.

Peanut-lover can be in charge of the shot gun!