It's time...

I love coming back here from time to time to read back on our stories. I'm sad that there's a gap in our record but then I came across this post that I wrote three years ago, which made me feel better.

My goal was to focus on being mommy more. I'll never feel like I'm doing a good enough job, but as I look back over the last couple of years, I'm proud to see that I've been way more intentional about my parenting. I've been busy teaching my kids plenty of mundane, yet important life skills. Skills like cutting their own nails, doing up their seat belts, working out arguments, and wiping their own butts. (You may laugh, but seriously, that last one was a much bigger ordeal than it should've been. Back when JJ was 3, not even the fear that a bear had eaten mommy was enough to get him to wipe his own butt and get off the toilet to come check on me!)

My favorite part of the post I wrote three years ago is this:

When the kids look back on this period of time, and wonder why there aren't any stories or pictures, I hope I can say to them, it's because mommy was too busy playing with you, doing crafts, taking the time to adapt my chores so that you could help me, finding ways to involve you in preparing meals, jumping in rain puddles, making birthday cakes that you talked about for months afterward...

While I can't say I've been awesome at playing with them (anyone else find imaginative play difficult?) and we are sadly way behind on our rain puddle jumping, I have been doing crafts, adapting my chores, and including them with meal prep. The birthday cakes have been less than impressive, but we've made some pretty amazing pizzas together.

We've been working for at least 3 years teaching the kids chores. And we are finally seeing some payback. They now have a good list of chores that they are able to do on their own or with a small amount of supervision. And as a surprise bonus for me, I find myself with a small amount of free time and the desire to write again.

So after little dusting off of the blog (and it looks like we are missing a kid's picture on here!), I'll be back.

KK's flower and KK's grandma, Part II

(This is part II to a blog post I wrote in June about how KK's grandma flower mirrored what her grandma was going through. Go here to read it again and the rest of this post will make more sense.)

In July, we quite spontaneously decided to join Peanut-lover on his required trip back to Canada. My mom was still in the hospital recovering from her bone marrow transplant and I was eager to spend some time with her.

When we returned home to Baltimore, I noticed two things about KK's flower. First, her flower was dying, and second, JJ's flower had planted a seed right beside it in KK's pot. So we had a baby marigold growing beside a dying pansy.

It really really bothered me.

It also really bothered me that I let the dying plant affect me so much. It was just a plant, but I couldn't help but fear that the mirroring of my mom's recovery that I had recognized earlier was continuing in what I was seeing in that pot.

I tried to save that pansy, but it just kept getting weaker until not even the stake would hold it up.

(tears)

At 12:13 pm, Tuesday Aug 23, I got the call that turned my world upside down. Mom had developed incurable complications from her bone marrow transplant and we needed to get there as fast as we could. She was not expected to last the night.

We made it to her side at 3 am the next morning, after 18 hrs of agony, wailing, pleading with God, and fearing we wouldn't make it in time.

Mom defied the doctor's prediction and made it through that night and 3 more nights, surrounded and cared for by her family.

At 12:48 am Sunday Aug 28, mama left us. My brother, her husband and I were at her side when she took her last peaceful breath.

My brother and I, supporting each other through the hardest thing we've ever endured

Visiting mama's grave for the first time

Words can't adequately capture what the past 3 weeks have been like for me. It hasn't been pretty... but that is not what this story is about.

To be honest, I have had a really hard time being able to see through my all-surpassing grief to rejoice for her new life - free of suffering, sorrow and pain. I know it is true that she is experiencing wonders none of us could even imagine, but it is not something I have been able to focus my thoughts on for comfort or to aid in my healing.

But God is good. And God loves me. Even when I don't like or understand his ways. He has given me a reminder to keep me moving forward in the right direction.

Meet KK's grandma flower #2:

 - a new body, blooming with vibrant colors,

strong enough to stand on its own.

Just like you now, mama.

KK's flower and KK's grandma

I know I owe a huge update... there are so many amazing stories that have come with this move to Baltimore. This is just one of them.

KK and her Grandma

Most of you know that my mom has leukemia and had a stem cell transplant in April. She came out to see us in March, just before she was hospitalized. We were in the process of getting the garden started, so she bought the kids each an egg pot with flower seeds inside.

JJ's marigold grew one plant quickly. KK's was a few days behind, but soon we saw five little pansies pushing their way up through the soil. The kids were so excited to see the changes in their little plants each day!

At the same time, my mom was preparing for her transplant and her health was constantly on my mind, and in the kids' prayers. I was surprised to find myself ultra-sensitive about anything having to do with my mom.

Just before my mom was to have her transplant, Peanut-lover found me bawling at the kitchen sink. While closing my window, I had knocked KK's flower pot into the sink, where it had shattered.  Since this was a gift from my mom, I completely fell apart when I broke it.

I managed to find one little seedling in the sink that looked like it had a chance, and replanted it. But I didn't tell my little girl for a few days. I just hoped.

When I finally told KK what had happened, she was a little upset, but it looked like the little plant had a chance at survival, so she wasn't too concerned.

Though the stem of that little plant was broken, it somehow managed to survive.

KK's surving pansy

It didn't take KK long to see that her brother's flower was way ahead of her little broken flower. She tried to be happy for him when we found the first marigold bud, but I could see the disappointment when she looked at her little flower. It was still just a bent stem with a couple of leaves.

JJ's first marigold bud

So I told her that her little flower was like Grandma. Just as Grandma was broken and needed doctors to help her get better, her flower had been broken, but we rescued it and took care of it. Though its recovery would be slow, one day, her little flower would bloom. Just like Grandma.

Soon, instead of being jealous of her brother's marigold and its many blooms, she excitedly watched to see what would happen with her little flower.

Excited to see that her flower is growing!

This is as close as JJ would get to posing with his marigold

Earlier this week, I called her out to the deck:

Examining her pansy

 To see this:

First pansy bud!

 KK's Grandma flower was ready to bloom!

And now:



 But because this little flower was broken, it wants to grow like this:

 So, just like Grandma, we give it a little support. And in its own time, it has bloomed.

Soon, Grandma will too.



Conversations with JJ: Theological discussion I never thought I'd have

I know I totally need to write an update, but I've been sick since the beginning of November (yep 3 months!) so the whole idea kinda sorta really super duper overwhelms me right now. We moved to Baltimore. I'll tell you more later.

But for now...

A theological discussion I never thought I'd have:

Oh, but first, a little background....

JJ really likes bathroom, uh, stuff. And talking about it. His answer to most questions is "poop". A recent discussion with daddy for example:

JJ: Daddy, why people not like pee or poop?

Daddy: Well, they're kind of gross, buddy! People don't really like to talk about them.

JJ: Oh. But I really like them. I like talk about them.

So, consider yourself warned.....

JJ: Mommy, does Jesus poop?

Mommy: Um, well yes, he did when he was a man.

JJ: But he not now because he's a girl?

Mommy: Well no. He doesn't now because he's a spirit. He doesn't have a body anymore.

JJ (*confused look* which yeah, I totally get): Oh. Where was his potty?...

...and continue potty questions ad infinitum.

Peanut-lover may face some pretty intense theological questions in his role as a scientist, but nothing like what I face right here at home ;)

Birthday requests from JJ

JJ has followed in his sister's footsteps in asking for, well, unusual gifts. Remember what she wanted for her birthday last year? And for Christmas the year before?

Well, there's been a lot of birthday talk around here lately because someone is turning five tomorrow. JJ thought he'd submit his requests early.

He wants Spiderman, Spiderman and Mickey Mouse stickers, a rock, part of a dead flower...

(are you writing this down?)

... and a cloud.

Duly noted.

How our home got sold

As soon as we decided to move to Baltimore, we started prepping our home to sell. Though we aren't moving until January, the timing was best to do the renos in August and we wanted to get it on the market before the dead period in the winter.

Our dads both came for a few days to put in laminate floors, moldings, paint, update the fireplace, and give Peanut-lover some basic education in electricity (heh heh). Me and the kids took off for a few days to visit my brother and his family and came back to a nearly finished home.

I expected to be excited when I walked in.

Instead I found myself in tears. For some reason, the grieving process of this move sneaks up on me and gets me when I least expect it.

We spent a few more weekends packing anything that could be deemed extra and putting it in storage, as well as updating the paint throughout. We were fortunate to have family to help us get stuff done and to watch the kids. Finally we were ready to stage.

And then it rained sideways.

And we came home to a leak in our ceiling.

Not cool.

So, the caretaker had someone make the repairs to the chimney and we hired a painter for the ceiling. And then we were ready to stage.

Now, if you don't have a realtor extraordinaire who is also your sis-in-law and can paint like nobody's business, then you really should get one. And if you're in the Fraser Valley, and seriously looking for a realtor (who incidentally could still wind up your sis-in-law if you married one of the younger siblings, and for that, you'd be really lucky because then she probably would help you paint), let me know and I'll shoot out her info to ya.

Well, our expert realtor is also gifted in home staging (so much so that I may just fly her out to decorate my home in Baltimore, because Lord knows, now that I have seen the light, I can't go back to living with my pitiful decorating skills - can I get an Amen?) She went around the family and collected stuff from everyone's homes, brought it all out and made our home look fabulous!

And then, we put that baby on the market.

We did a few showings and an open house. Lots of interest. No offers. But that was only the first week. Then we heard we were doing a showing on the following Tuesday.

Peanut-lover told me that he was pretty sure the people coming on Tuesday were the ones. I said, "Me too!"

Tuesdays are not really my favourite day. Peanut-lover works an hour's drive away, so we have to take the bus to get KK to her singing class and then to school and back. It's a long day to begin with. This particular Tuesday, I forgot my cell phone. Awesome.

Our showing was set for 5 pm, so I planned out our day to be home for 4 pm to get the place just right. Then we missed our bus. Then the next bus was delayed. Then I got home to a message that the people were going to be arriving at 4:30 instead. It was 4:13. I started crying. (Yes, tears are the answer to anything for me. But, they don't get my house clean. Can someone work on that for me?)

On the verge of panic, I kept hearing in my heart that it would be ok. That this showing wasn't in my hands. That I didn't have to make this perfect. I went back and forth between knowing that it would all be ok and freaking out at the kids for getting in my way while I whirlwind-cleaned. Oh, did I mention that JJ had accidentally drawn all over the table with permanent marker? The thing is, I was being really convicted about my need to have everything perfect, so I did my best to resist the temptation and focus on what really mattered.

I got the place to tidy, though not "wow!" and left it up to God. He's so much better at this stuff than I am anyways. I let the people in and headed down the hall. I heard their, "wow" when they opened the door. I saw their faces when they came out.

Five minutes after they departed, we got the call - they were writing up an offer.

Peanut-lover had a number in his head and we held tight to that number. After some back and forth, they came all the way up from an initial low-ball offer AND gave us the late closing-dates we wanted.

Our home is sold. There's no going back now!

Stop the presses! We have some good news!!

My momma and her sisters

Well, I had another post ready to go, but that one will have to wait, because I have some good news that shouldn't have to wait for anything...

Today we found out that my mom's younger sister is a 10 out of 10 match for her for a bone marrow transplant!

This has the potential to drastically change the course of things for her as her prognosis is not very promising without it.

It's looking like February is when things will take place and she will likely be hospitalized, on protective isolation for 4-8 weeks after that. During that process, the health care team will protect her while they wipe out her faulty immune system and replace it with her sister's immune system which will hopefully start attacking her cancer cells.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I remember watching these three sisters holding each other as they cheered their mom into eternity. Ever since that time, I have seen them cling to each other and watched as the bonds between them strengthened into some of the strongest ties I have ever seen.

I have appreciated how they each stepped up and offered a part of themself to save my mom's life. They know it won't be an easy process, but for them, there is no question that it is the right thing to do.

I know they will be supporting my mom and each other through the process.

And I think that's pretty awesome.

(Many) Conversations with JJ

JJ has become quite the talker. And he's a smart little guy. He constantly finds questions that stump me, like "What does 'why' mean?" and "What does 'either' mean?" and "Why we don't need fireman when bouncy ball gets stuck?" and "Where was God before he made the world?"

If you've spent any time with a two-year-old, you know that any answer given is just followed up by another question, until we finally insert a big word and he gets distracted. For example,

Daddy: You need to eat your breakfast.

JJ: Why me need to eat?

Daddy: So you can grow up to be a big boy.

JJ: ME ALREADY IS BIG BOY! How me grow?

Daddy: Well, your cells divide and make more cells. That's called 'mitosis'.

JJ: Hey! Me eat 'my toastis' for breakfast.

Daddy: Exactly.

This little monkey is all about being a big boy. He constantly reminds me, "Me BIG boy". He won't ever let me slip and say anything about him being little.

Sunday night we spontaneously decided to go out for dinner and the waitress asked, "Do you want a highchair for your baby?" As JJ climbed into the chair we chose for him, he said, "That was RUDE! Me not baby, me BIG boy!" I was surprised that she understood him, since I've been kind of counting on the fact that not everyone can understand him, as this kid is either loud or asleep, but no, she heard him clearly and apologized appropriately ;)

JJ is such a charmer too. Whereas KK will just not do something that she's not allowed to do, he'll do it, right in front of me, while smiling charmingly at me. Sometimes it works. Hey, I never claimed to be perfect! Could you resist this face?

A while back, I wrote a post about how I was teaching KK about safety. You can find it here. Well, I've been working on the same stuff with JJ, and last week, I thought I'd check in with him to see how much he was remembering.

Mommy: JJ, what would you do if someone asked you to come to their car to see their kitty? Would you go with them?

JJ: NO!

Mommy: Good. Now what if someone picked you up and tried to take you away? What would you do?

JJ: Me would run away home and get a knife and come back and say, "You don't do that!"

(are we seeing the difference between my delicate little girl and my tough little guy here?)

Mommy: Ok, we can work on that. What if a really nice lady said she had puppies in her car and she wanted to show them to you and that your mommy said it was ok? What would you do?

JJ: I not go, but me say, "If you have candy, me come..."

Obviously, I need to keep a close eye on this one. And possibly feed him more candy.

What the heck happened in Baltimore?

You might remember, about a year ago, I mentioned we were thinking about moving to Baltimore. Oh, who am I kidding? I'm not that important. Go read about it here ;)

Over the past year, we went back and forth about the whole idea, finally settling on being 95% sure we were definitely NOT going to Baltimore. But everyone that we look to for wisdom said we should just go for the interview, just to get rid of that last 5% of doubt and that we'd know for sure either way once we went there. We were more than ready to close off that last 5% and settle into a comfortable life.

Approaching the trip, I was mostly excited. We were definitely NOT moving there (95% sure) and we were getting a whole 4 days without the weenuts! Peanut-lover was stressed - he had a lot to do on the trip. But I was ready for fun.

Then we got there.

We had decided to go on the trip with open hearts, willing to really assess whether Baltimore could be our home. Though pretty certain we were NOT going there, we wanted to be sure we had explored the option as completely as possible.

So when we landed and drove through the city in the middle of the night, it all really hit me. I looked around at all the buildings and recognized NOTHING. Not a bank name, grocery store, gas station... nothing was the same.

The first few days there, I was shocked to face so much emotion. I spent hours in my bible, seeking solace and wisdom... finding solace and wisdom. Over and over I found verses that related to what I was going through. I wish I had been journaling at the time because I can't remember all the details now.

One thing I do remember was reading in Leviticus about how the Tabernacle was to be built. It struck me that the building, maintaining and transporting of the Tabernacle was a ton of work. When Peanut-lover came in, I went to remark to him about this and it hit me that God's work is a lot of work. And that yes, Balimore would be a lot of work, but that didn't mean it was something to avoid.

For the first two days there, we explored the city and checked out neighborhoods. The food was delicious, the homes were so interesting, the university was awe-inspiring, the weather was hot and humid. I cried a lot.

On the third day there, Peanut-lover had his interview and spent the day with the lab at Johns Hopkins. Afterwards, he picked me up and took me to join the lab for dinner. Between the time we left the hotel and arrived at the restaurant, something in me had changed. I remember waiting for everyone else to arrive and saying to Peanut-lover, "Let's just do it. Let's just jump in with both feet." That night was our last night in the city and we stayed up so late looking at Baltimore with new eyes, like it might be our new home.



We prayerfully considered it over the next week or so. On the night we finalized our decision, the two of us went out to our favourite beach to talk, read our bible and pray. It felt like God was speaking to us over and over through what we were reading in the bible. All kinds of stuff about how we need to use the gifts that we have. So we decided to go.

One last issue remained and that was my mom's health. I couldn't imagine leaving her when she was unwell. At that time, she had made a remarkable recovery from the set-backs in the Spring and early Summer. I felt like it was a step of faith in terms of me trusting God with her life, for me to follow His leading to Baltimore.

But in the fall, things changed. My mom is quite ill right now, struggling through intense chemo and approaching a bone-marrow transplant which will be a very difficult time for her.

I can't understand why God would ask me to leave during her hardest days.

I just can't. It doesn't make any sense.

But my God is so faithful. He meets me right where I am. I read in Joshua, just a few days ago, about how the Israelites had to cross the Jordan River to get into Canaan (the Promised Land). God didn't have them cross when it was easy, He had them cross in Spring, when the river was overflowing its banks. It was then that they needed a miracle and He gave them a miracle. He made the river stop so that they could cross on dry land. He had them cross when it was hardest so that he could demonstrate his power.

I feel that he is asking me to cross when it is hardest, and I trust that I will see him demonstrate his power.

And so... we are packing up the nutty household and moving to Baltimore... and clinging to God every step of the way.

I don't value busyness, so why am I so BUSY?!?!

Last night I looked at my blog and noticed it was more than a little dusty. Which is sad, because I sure could have used some journalling over the last few months.

Let me quickly catch you up.

Since the beginning of August, we have:
1. Decided to move to a different country
2. Renovated our home
3. Sold our home
4. Freaked out numerous times about #1-3
5. Started our firstborn in school
6. Supported my mom through intense chemo and difficult health decisions

And there's more...

During this same time, Peanut-lover has also finished and defended his doctoral dissertion, published his research in a major scientific journal, and started lecturing first year biology students.

We are not the type that equate busyness with success. Ok, yes we CAN be, but we actively fight the urge to equate busyness with success. No matter how hard we try not to be busy, it always finds us.

And that's why I haven't been blogging.

I've got some writing to do, don't I?