Two years ago

Two years ago, we spontaneously decided to return to Canada to visit our family. We I don't usually ever do spontaneous, but this time we did because there was an unexpected property tax overpayment cheque that paid for our flights and our green cards processed faster than we had expected. As such, we were able to join Daddy on a trip that he was required to take. I'm so glad we did because this was the last time we saw my mom, well, conscious. Somewhat, mostly herself. This visit still had hope.

 

Enjoying the grandkids



 

On our last day before we headed back over the border, we got to take mom out on a day pass. We went to one of my favourite places in the whole world: Garry Point Park in Steveston, BC. The significance of the location of our last outing has only occurred to me recently and I really believe it is just another little detail that God arranged to show me that he cares.

 

Garry Point Park is where I went many times throughout my mom's illness to find peace. Peanut-lover and I would talk out my fears while we ate a picnic supper and breathed in the sea air. It is where Peanut-lover and I went to pray and make our decision regarding moving to Baltimore. It is where I found myself many times when I couldn't cope with the stresses of the move. And the fact that it is where we spent our last conscious playtime with mom is just one more detail in a string of details that remind me of how intricately and carefully and detailedly God loves me.

 

The folder that contains these pictures is hard for me to visit, because losing mom less than 2 months after this still hurts in ways that I didn't know I could hurt, but these are some precious pictures and I want to share them with you.

 

 

Miss you mama.

Mean Mommy Trick #347

Typical Shopping Trip:

Me - Kids, we need to Costco.
Kids - AWWWWW, I hate going to Costco! Can't you go when daddy gets home? Whine. Complain. Are we there yet? When are we going to be done? How much more do you have to get? Why does this take so long? He's looking at me! She keeps walking where I want to walk. My legs are tired. When are we going to be home?

Today's Shopping Trip:

Me - Kids, we are almost out of toilet paper. 

Kids - *disinterest*

Me - But it's ok, because we have lots of trees in the backyard - we can just use leaves. 

Kids - WHAT?! *shocked faces*

Me - The only thing is that we'll have to go out and get them each time before we use the bathroom.

JJ - Even if it's an emergency??!

Me - Yes, because if the leaves dry out, they'll just crumble.

KK - *tears* 

Me - Or.... *dramatic pause*

Kids - What?! What?!

Me - There's only one other thing we could do... We could go to Costco.

Kids - *jumping up and down* YES! Let's go to Costco!! PLEASE! Can we go to Costco instead?!

Me - yeah, I guess that's probably better ;)

#winwin

The littlest nut

It's been so long since I was blogging regularly that the blog hasn't been introduced to our littlest nut.

 

Blog meet DD.

He was born at the end of May and, though we were nervous about returning to the baby stage, he has been our easiest baby to adjust to. It was like he just slid into our family and we carried on without a hiccup. I think we are a lot more settled into our roles as parents now, so it was easier this time around.

 

 

He was a challenging baby to nurse, because he is tongue-tied, but we got it figured out eventually. Now, he's a pro! Sleep was great for the first few months, but now we are having trouble getting him to sleep in his own bed. I know this time is very short though, so we are getting through it ok.

 

He's a pretty happy kid who spends his days banging things together, watching all the action in the house, and soaking in the love from his big bro and big sis. They are amazing with him and it is so much fun to watch him develop through their eyes.

.

 

His arms are always flapping and his legs are always kicking. He has shown little interest in getting mobile, which is perfectly fine with me - he'll be a busy little dude when he gets walking! For now, he is perfectly content to sit with a few toys and watch us all do our stuff.

 

He's quite a talker and though we aren't convinced that he is using words yet, he babbles, yells, sings, and growls constantly.

 

We are so glad that we decided to add him to our family. It is wonderful to hold another little one in my arms and he has brought so much joy into our lives!

 

 

It's time...

I love coming back here from time to time to read back on our stories. I'm sad that there's a gap in our record but then I came across this post that I wrote three years ago, which made me feel better.

My goal was to focus on being mommy more. I'll never feel like I'm doing a good enough job, but as I look back over the last couple of years, I'm proud to see that I've been way more intentional about my parenting. I've been busy teaching my kids plenty of mundane, yet important life skills. Skills like cutting their own nails, doing up their seat belts, working out arguments, and wiping their own butts. (You may laugh, but seriously, that last one was a much bigger ordeal than it should've been. Back when JJ was 3, not even the fear that a bear had eaten mommy was enough to get him to wipe his own butt and get off the toilet to come check on me!)

My favorite part of the post I wrote three years ago is this:

When the kids look back on this period of time, and wonder why there aren't any stories or pictures, I hope I can say to them, it's because mommy was too busy playing with you, doing crafts, taking the time to adapt my chores so that you could help me, finding ways to involve you in preparing meals, jumping in rain puddles, making birthday cakes that you talked about for months afterward...

While I can't say I've been awesome at playing with them (anyone else find imaginative play difficult?) and we are sadly way behind on our rain puddle jumping, I have been doing crafts, adapting my chores, and including them with meal prep. The birthday cakes have been less than impressive, but we've made some pretty amazing pizzas together.

We've been working for at least 3 years teaching the kids chores. And we are finally seeing some payback. They now have a good list of chores that they are able to do on their own or with a small amount of supervision. And as a surprise bonus for me, I find myself with a small amount of free time and the desire to write again.

So after little dusting off of the blog (and it looks like we are missing a kid's picture on here!), I'll be back.

KK's flower and KK's grandma, Part II

(This is part II to a blog post I wrote in June about how KK's grandma flower mirrored what her grandma was going through. Go here to read it again and the rest of this post will make more sense.)

In July, we quite spontaneously decided to join Peanut-lover on his required trip back to Canada. My mom was still in the hospital recovering from her bone marrow transplant and I was eager to spend some time with her.

When we returned home to Baltimore, I noticed two things about KK's flower. First, her flower was dying, and second, JJ's flower had planted a seed right beside it in KK's pot. So we had a baby marigold growing beside a dying pansy.

It really really bothered me.

It also really bothered me that I let the dying plant affect me so much. It was just a plant, but I couldn't help but fear that the mirroring of my mom's recovery that I had recognized earlier was continuing in what I was seeing in that pot.

I tried to save that pansy, but it just kept getting weaker until not even the stake would hold it up.

(tears)

At 12:13 pm, Tuesday Aug 23, I got the call that turned my world upside down. Mom had developed incurable complications from her bone marrow transplant and we needed to get there as fast as we could. She was not expected to last the night.

We made it to her side at 3 am the next morning, after 18 hrs of agony, wailing, pleading with God, and fearing we wouldn't make it in time.

Mom defied the doctor's prediction and made it through that night and 3 more nights, surrounded and cared for by her family.

At 12:48 am Sunday Aug 28, mama left us. My brother, her husband and I were at her side when she took her last peaceful breath.

My brother and I, supporting each other through the hardest thing we've ever endured

Visiting mama's grave for the first time

Words can't adequately capture what the past 3 weeks have been like for me. It hasn't been pretty... but that is not what this story is about.

To be honest, I have had a really hard time being able to see through my all-surpassing grief to rejoice for her new life - free of suffering, sorrow and pain. I know it is true that she is experiencing wonders none of us could even imagine, but it is not something I have been able to focus my thoughts on for comfort or to aid in my healing.

But God is good. And God loves me. Even when I don't like or understand his ways. He has given me a reminder to keep me moving forward in the right direction.

Meet KK's grandma flower #2:

 - a new body, blooming with vibrant colors,

strong enough to stand on its own.

Just like you now, mama.

KK's flower and KK's grandma

I know I owe a huge update... there are so many amazing stories that have come with this move to Baltimore. This is just one of them.

KK and her Grandma

Most of you know that my mom has leukemia and had a stem cell transplant in April. She came out to see us in March, just before she was hospitalized. We were in the process of getting the garden started, so she bought the kids each an egg pot with flower seeds inside.

JJ's marigold grew one plant quickly. KK's was a few days behind, but soon we saw five little pansies pushing their way up through the soil. The kids were so excited to see the changes in their little plants each day!

At the same time, my mom was preparing for her transplant and her health was constantly on my mind, and in the kids' prayers. I was surprised to find myself ultra-sensitive about anything having to do with my mom.

Just before my mom was to have her transplant, Peanut-lover found me bawling at the kitchen sink. While closing my window, I had knocked KK's flower pot into the sink, where it had shattered.  Since this was a gift from my mom, I completely fell apart when I broke it.

I managed to find one little seedling in the sink that looked like it had a chance, and replanted it. But I didn't tell my little girl for a few days. I just hoped.

When I finally told KK what had happened, she was a little upset, but it looked like the little plant had a chance at survival, so she wasn't too concerned.

Though the stem of that little plant was broken, it somehow managed to survive.

KK's surving pansy

It didn't take KK long to see that her brother's flower was way ahead of her little broken flower. She tried to be happy for him when we found the first marigold bud, but I could see the disappointment when she looked at her little flower. It was still just a bent stem with a couple of leaves.

JJ's first marigold bud

So I told her that her little flower was like Grandma. Just as Grandma was broken and needed doctors to help her get better, her flower had been broken, but we rescued it and took care of it. Though its recovery would be slow, one day, her little flower would bloom. Just like Grandma.

Soon, instead of being jealous of her brother's marigold and its many blooms, she excitedly watched to see what would happen with her little flower.

Excited to see that her flower is growing!

This is as close as JJ would get to posing with his marigold

Earlier this week, I called her out to the deck:

Examining her pansy

 To see this:

First pansy bud!

 KK's Grandma flower was ready to bloom!

And now:



 But because this little flower was broken, it wants to grow like this:

 So, just like Grandma, we give it a little support. And in its own time, it has bloomed.

Soon, Grandma will too.



Stop the presses! We have some good news!!

My momma and her sisters

Well, I had another post ready to go, but that one will have to wait, because I have some good news that shouldn't have to wait for anything...

Today we found out that my mom's younger sister is a 10 out of 10 match for her for a bone marrow transplant!

This has the potential to drastically change the course of things for her as her prognosis is not very promising without it.

It's looking like February is when things will take place and she will likely be hospitalized, on protective isolation for 4-8 weeks after that. During that process, the health care team will protect her while they wipe out her faulty immune system and replace it with her sister's immune system which will hopefully start attacking her cancer cells.
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I remember watching these three sisters holding each other as they cheered their mom into eternity. Ever since that time, I have seen them cling to each other and watched as the bonds between them strengthened into some of the strongest ties I have ever seen.

I have appreciated how they each stepped up and offered a part of themself to save my mom's life. They know it won't be an easy process, but for them, there is no question that it is the right thing to do.

I know they will be supporting my mom and each other through the process.

And I think that's pretty awesome.

What the heck happened in Baltimore?

You might remember, about a year ago, I mentioned we were thinking about moving to Baltimore. Oh, who am I kidding? I'm not that important. Go read about it here ;)

Over the past year, we went back and forth about the whole idea, finally settling on being 95% sure we were definitely NOT going to Baltimore. But everyone that we look to for wisdom said we should just go for the interview, just to get rid of that last 5% of doubt and that we'd know for sure either way once we went there. We were more than ready to close off that last 5% and settle into a comfortable life.

Approaching the trip, I was mostly excited. We were definitely NOT moving there (95% sure) and we were getting a whole 4 days without the weenuts! Peanut-lover was stressed - he had a lot to do on the trip. But I was ready for fun.

Then we got there.

We had decided to go on the trip with open hearts, willing to really assess whether Baltimore could be our home. Though pretty certain we were NOT going there, we wanted to be sure we had explored the option as completely as possible.

So when we landed and drove through the city in the middle of the night, it all really hit me. I looked around at all the buildings and recognized NOTHING. Not a bank name, grocery store, gas station... nothing was the same.

The first few days there, I was shocked to face so much emotion. I spent hours in my bible, seeking solace and wisdom... finding solace and wisdom. Over and over I found verses that related to what I was going through. I wish I had been journaling at the time because I can't remember all the details now.

One thing I do remember was reading in Leviticus about how the Tabernacle was to be built. It struck me that the building, maintaining and transporting of the Tabernacle was a ton of work. When Peanut-lover came in, I went to remark to him about this and it hit me that God's work is a lot of work. And that yes, Balimore would be a lot of work, but that didn't mean it was something to avoid.

For the first two days there, we explored the city and checked out neighborhoods. The food was delicious, the homes were so interesting, the university was awe-inspiring, the weather was hot and humid. I cried a lot.

On the third day there, Peanut-lover had his interview and spent the day with the lab at Johns Hopkins. Afterwards, he picked me up and took me to join the lab for dinner. Between the time we left the hotel and arrived at the restaurant, something in me had changed. I remember waiting for everyone else to arrive and saying to Peanut-lover, "Let's just do it. Let's just jump in with both feet." That night was our last night in the city and we stayed up so late looking at Baltimore with new eyes, like it might be our new home.



We prayerfully considered it over the next week or so. On the night we finalized our decision, the two of us went out to our favourite beach to talk, read our bible and pray. It felt like God was speaking to us over and over through what we were reading in the bible. All kinds of stuff about how we need to use the gifts that we have. So we decided to go.

One last issue remained and that was my mom's health. I couldn't imagine leaving her when she was unwell. At that time, she had made a remarkable recovery from the set-backs in the Spring and early Summer. I felt like it was a step of faith in terms of me trusting God with her life, for me to follow His leading to Baltimore.

But in the fall, things changed. My mom is quite ill right now, struggling through intense chemo and approaching a bone-marrow transplant which will be a very difficult time for her.

I can't understand why God would ask me to leave during her hardest days.

I just can't. It doesn't make any sense.

But my God is so faithful. He meets me right where I am. I read in Joshua, just a few days ago, about how the Israelites had to cross the Jordan River to get into Canaan (the Promised Land). God didn't have them cross when it was easy, He had them cross in Spring, when the river was overflowing its banks. It was then that they needed a miracle and He gave them a miracle. He made the river stop so that they could cross on dry land. He had them cross when it was hardest so that he could demonstrate his power.

I feel that he is asking me to cross when it is hardest, and I trust that I will see him demonstrate his power.

And so... we are packing up the nutty household and moving to Baltimore... and clinging to God every step of the way.

I don't value busyness, so why am I so BUSY?!?!

Last night I looked at my blog and noticed it was more than a little dusty. Which is sad, because I sure could have used some journalling over the last few months.

Let me quickly catch you up.

Since the beginning of August, we have:
1. Decided to move to a different country
2. Renovated our home
3. Sold our home
4. Freaked out numerous times about #1-3
5. Started our firstborn in school
6. Supported my mom through intense chemo and difficult health decisions

And there's more...

During this same time, Peanut-lover has also finished and defended his doctoral dissertion, published his research in a major scientific journal, and started lecturing first year biology students.

We are not the type that equate busyness with success. Ok, yes we CAN be, but we actively fight the urge to equate busyness with success. No matter how hard we try not to be busy, it always finds us.

And that's why I haven't been blogging.

I've got some writing to do, don't I?

Another hard post to write: Leukemia

I have this folder in my favourites menu that I never open. It's called Leukemia. I'm not even sure what's in there anymore because I have avoided opening it for so long. I collected various websites that I thought would hold useful information about the disease over 3 years ago when I first found out that my mom had been diagnosed with Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia (CLL).

I have ignored it since.

I don't want to think about it. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want it in our lives.

But it's still here. And it's so freaking scary that sometimes I think I can't breathe. And every so often, I have to cry hard just to let the top level of the pain out, so I can continue on.

In so many areas of my life, I am an open book. I've always been that way, never seeing the point of trying to pretend that I'm something that I'm not. But in this area, in the dealing with the fact that my mom has cancer, I've kept my feelings pretty private. Even within my family, I have only been able to brush the surface of the realities and the fears. It's strange to be so private about something so huge, but my answer about it is often, "It sucks. I hate it and I don't want to talk about it."

Because CLL is considered a chronic illness, patients go through treatments when their symptoms start adversly affecting their quality of life. The goal isn't to erradicate the disease, but rather to put it into remission for a period of time. So, for example, my mom had 8 monthly rounds of chemo that finished nearly 3 years ago and then did fine for about 2 years. Then her symtoms returned. Now she is back on chemo.

This time, it seems to have hit us really hard. Maybe it's because she seems sicker this time. Or maybe because it feels like the disease is in control right now. Or maybe it's the feeling of defeat in that she has to go back on chemo again. We all know that chemo ain't pretty.

I find myself bouncing around between three of the stages of grief: denial, depression, and anger. The anger, though I know it is something I have to go through, is surprising. I can be ok and then it just hits me, overwhelming me with fury at the disease:

How dare you touch my mom like this? How dare you make her suffer? How dare you cut into our family like this? How dare you make us trample down this unknown path?

This is hard. This sucks. I hate it. I don't want to talk about it, but I have to. It's too big to hold inside myself.

It's here. It's real. It's in my life. It's in my family.

It's leukemia and I hate it.

Our cave exploring adventure

This is the last part of the story of our Big Camping Trip. You can find Parts 1-4 by clicking here and scrolling down.

On our way home from camping, we decided to check out the Lenore Lake Caves. From the parking lot, it didn't look so bad... paved pathway, concrete stairways:

The kids and I were strongly advised to change from our flip-flops into running shoes. And it's a good thing we did, because it got really rocky:

Proof that I was actually there, since y'all know I'm not much of an outdoorsy person (and this was the easy path):

The part that didn't look so bad:

Nice worn pathways, beautiful views... we just had to keep an eye out for rattlers.

Then it got very rocky for the rest of the way up. It did occur to me that all those rocks fell from somewhere, so I was a bit of a nervous wreck for most of the hike.

Grandpa found the first cave, complete with early cave writings:

(that was a joke)

Up another steep, rocky hill, we found a smaller, more interesting cave:

Grandpa, KK, and JJ pretended to be cavemen. I had no interest whatsoever in getting into that small space:

On our way back down, Grandpa and Grandma decided to run up and check out another cave, but it was a little too much for us with the little ones (yes, we're blaming the little ones here):

It was a fun adventure, after the fact, when we were back on paved pathways again:

And then we drove home.

The End.

Sightseeing in the Okanogan

This is Part 4 of our Big Camping Trip. You can find Parts 1-3 by clicking here and scrolling down.

The area around where we camped was so beautiful, I couldn't stop oohing, aahing, and WOWing. The landscape was so different from what I've ever seen before, having spent all my life in the Pacific Northwest (which is also beautiful, but different beautiful).

Just minutes from our campsite, were the Dry Falls. Massive (3 times larger than Niagara) waterfalls that had dried up years ago:

A perfect opportunity and backdrop for a family photo. For the sake of keeping it real, KK was mid-ginormous temper tantrum when we took this picture. We'll just pretend she's asleep and pat Debbie on the back for getting the quick shot before things got really ugly.

Here are some old caves that were apparently inhabited by people at some point. It's kind of amazing to think about that:

One night, we drove to the Grand Coulee dam and watched a laser light show that was presented on the actual dam. (No pictures of course. I don't know my way around a camera that well.) The information was really interesting and the kids loved the show, but we could have done without the musical interludes, which were a little, um, 80's if you ask me. (I know the 80's are all cool and stuff again, but not for those of us who are going through it the second time!)

Another day, we drove out to Steamboat rock and found a playground for the kids to enjoy.

First, a little romance:

The only way to go down the slide if you're JJ:

Trying to get some creative shots:

All week, they'd been playing in dirt, so I was pretty surprised that the playground only held their attention for 15 minutes. And then they were back to playing in the dirt:

On our way back to the campsite, we found a little surprise:

And Daddy wanted to try some off-roading, although he would like me to make it clear that it wasn't real off-roading since my pleading, complete with tears, kept us from trying anything too crazy:

And then we saw a little more nature:

On our last day, we made a quick stop to check out a local lake. Here's Daddy and JJ checking out the water. The snake-inhabited water. Ew.

And we grabbed another chance for a family photo. This time it was JJ's turn to be uncooperative:

And then a miracle happened:

Two kids, getting along, smiling, and looking at the camera at the same time. I'll try not to complain about the background.

Up next, my last post about the trip: our cave exploring adventure.