Two years ago

Two years ago, we spontaneously decided to return to Canada to visit our family. We I don't usually ever do spontaneous, but this time we did because there was an unexpected property tax overpayment cheque that paid for our flights and our green cards processed faster than we had expected. As such, we were able to join Daddy on a trip that he was required to take. I'm so glad we did because this was the last time we saw my mom, well, conscious. Somewhat, mostly herself. This visit still had hope.

 

Enjoying the grandkids



 

On our last day before we headed back over the border, we got to take mom out on a day pass. We went to one of my favourite places in the whole world: Garry Point Park in Steveston, BC. The significance of the location of our last outing has only occurred to me recently and I really believe it is just another little detail that God arranged to show me that he cares.

 

Garry Point Park is where I went many times throughout my mom's illness to find peace. Peanut-lover and I would talk out my fears while we ate a picnic supper and breathed in the sea air. It is where Peanut-lover and I went to pray and make our decision regarding moving to Baltimore. It is where I found myself many times when I couldn't cope with the stresses of the move. And the fact that it is where we spent our last conscious playtime with mom is just one more detail in a string of details that remind me of how intricately and carefully and detailedly God loves me.

 

The folder that contains these pictures is hard for me to visit, because losing mom less than 2 months after this still hurts in ways that I didn't know I could hurt, but these are some precious pictures and I want to share them with you.

 

 

Miss you mama.

KK's flower and KK's grandma, Part II

(This is part II to a blog post I wrote in June about how KK's grandma flower mirrored what her grandma was going through. Go here to read it again and the rest of this post will make more sense.)

In July, we quite spontaneously decided to join Peanut-lover on his required trip back to Canada. My mom was still in the hospital recovering from her bone marrow transplant and I was eager to spend some time with her.

When we returned home to Baltimore, I noticed two things about KK's flower. First, her flower was dying, and second, JJ's flower had planted a seed right beside it in KK's pot. So we had a baby marigold growing beside a dying pansy.

It really really bothered me.

It also really bothered me that I let the dying plant affect me so much. It was just a plant, but I couldn't help but fear that the mirroring of my mom's recovery that I had recognized earlier was continuing in what I was seeing in that pot.

I tried to save that pansy, but it just kept getting weaker until not even the stake would hold it up.

(tears)

At 12:13 pm, Tuesday Aug 23, I got the call that turned my world upside down. Mom had developed incurable complications from her bone marrow transplant and we needed to get there as fast as we could. She was not expected to last the night.

We made it to her side at 3 am the next morning, after 18 hrs of agony, wailing, pleading with God, and fearing we wouldn't make it in time.

Mom defied the doctor's prediction and made it through that night and 3 more nights, surrounded and cared for by her family.

At 12:48 am Sunday Aug 28, mama left us. My brother, her husband and I were at her side when she took her last peaceful breath.

My brother and I, supporting each other through the hardest thing we've ever endured

Visiting mama's grave for the first time

Words can't adequately capture what the past 3 weeks have been like for me. It hasn't been pretty... but that is not what this story is about.

To be honest, I have had a really hard time being able to see through my all-surpassing grief to rejoice for her new life - free of suffering, sorrow and pain. I know it is true that she is experiencing wonders none of us could even imagine, but it is not something I have been able to focus my thoughts on for comfort or to aid in my healing.

But God is good. And God loves me. Even when I don't like or understand his ways. He has given me a reminder to keep me moving forward in the right direction.

Meet KK's grandma flower #2:

 - a new body, blooming with vibrant colors,

strong enough to stand on its own.

Just like you now, mama.

What the heck happened in Baltimore?

You might remember, about a year ago, I mentioned we were thinking about moving to Baltimore. Oh, who am I kidding? I'm not that important. Go read about it here ;)

Over the past year, we went back and forth about the whole idea, finally settling on being 95% sure we were definitely NOT going to Baltimore. But everyone that we look to for wisdom said we should just go for the interview, just to get rid of that last 5% of doubt and that we'd know for sure either way once we went there. We were more than ready to close off that last 5% and settle into a comfortable life.

Approaching the trip, I was mostly excited. We were definitely NOT moving there (95% sure) and we were getting a whole 4 days without the weenuts! Peanut-lover was stressed - he had a lot to do on the trip. But I was ready for fun.

Then we got there.

We had decided to go on the trip with open hearts, willing to really assess whether Baltimore could be our home. Though pretty certain we were NOT going there, we wanted to be sure we had explored the option as completely as possible.

So when we landed and drove through the city in the middle of the night, it all really hit me. I looked around at all the buildings and recognized NOTHING. Not a bank name, grocery store, gas station... nothing was the same.

The first few days there, I was shocked to face so much emotion. I spent hours in my bible, seeking solace and wisdom... finding solace and wisdom. Over and over I found verses that related to what I was going through. I wish I had been journaling at the time because I can't remember all the details now.

One thing I do remember was reading in Leviticus about how the Tabernacle was to be built. It struck me that the building, maintaining and transporting of the Tabernacle was a ton of work. When Peanut-lover came in, I went to remark to him about this and it hit me that God's work is a lot of work. And that yes, Balimore would be a lot of work, but that didn't mean it was something to avoid.

For the first two days there, we explored the city and checked out neighborhoods. The food was delicious, the homes were so interesting, the university was awe-inspiring, the weather was hot and humid. I cried a lot.

On the third day there, Peanut-lover had his interview and spent the day with the lab at Johns Hopkins. Afterwards, he picked me up and took me to join the lab for dinner. Between the time we left the hotel and arrived at the restaurant, something in me had changed. I remember waiting for everyone else to arrive and saying to Peanut-lover, "Let's just do it. Let's just jump in with both feet." That night was our last night in the city and we stayed up so late looking at Baltimore with new eyes, like it might be our new home.



We prayerfully considered it over the next week or so. On the night we finalized our decision, the two of us went out to our favourite beach to talk, read our bible and pray. It felt like God was speaking to us over and over through what we were reading in the bible. All kinds of stuff about how we need to use the gifts that we have. So we decided to go.

One last issue remained and that was my mom's health. I couldn't imagine leaving her when she was unwell. At that time, she had made a remarkable recovery from the set-backs in the Spring and early Summer. I felt like it was a step of faith in terms of me trusting God with her life, for me to follow His leading to Baltimore.

But in the fall, things changed. My mom is quite ill right now, struggling through intense chemo and approaching a bone-marrow transplant which will be a very difficult time for her.

I can't understand why God would ask me to leave during her hardest days.

I just can't. It doesn't make any sense.

But my God is so faithful. He meets me right where I am. I read in Joshua, just a few days ago, about how the Israelites had to cross the Jordan River to get into Canaan (the Promised Land). God didn't have them cross when it was easy, He had them cross in Spring, when the river was overflowing its banks. It was then that they needed a miracle and He gave them a miracle. He made the river stop so that they could cross on dry land. He had them cross when it was hardest so that he could demonstrate his power.

I feel that he is asking me to cross when it is hardest, and I trust that I will see him demonstrate his power.

And so... we are packing up the nutty household and moving to Baltimore... and clinging to God every step of the way.

Another example of how parenting teaches me about God

Parenting teaches me so much about God as father. I was reminded about how God deals with his children once again this week while putting away laundry.

I called JJ to come hang up his shirts and told him that if he came right away, I would help him do it. (Hanging shirts is a new skill that JJ and I are working really hard on. Having a four-year-old that hangs up all her clothes helps keep me motivated that eventually we will be successful!)

JJ decided not to come right away, preferring to play with his lego instead.

When I told him that he'd have to hang up his shirts by himself, he came into his room and started crying that it was too hard. He sat there for a few minutes, trying to figure it out, but very frustrated, tears streaming down his cheeks. Suffering... from a two-year-old's perspective.

I told him that I just wanted him to try and though I kept feeling the urge to bail him out and help him through it, I had a hope that he'd get it himself, so I let him suffer through the frustration...

...until suddenly... he'd done it!

He ran out to daddy to show him what he'd done and then did the other shirt himself.
-----------------------------------
It's no secret that my family has been going through our share of suffering, relating to my mom's health, over the past nearly three months.

In short synopsis, mom had an urgent achilles tendon repair done, which reopened 5 weeks later. To repair that, she had to have a free-flap transfer to cover the open wound. In her case, the free-flap transfer meant they took a chunk of tissue from her upper arm and reattached it to her ankle. That was followed by a readmission for severe dehydration and pain, and just recently, another readmission for a severe lung infection. All this in the context of the fact that she has advanced leukemia.

Her ability to fight infection is very compromised, so just when she starts to feel a little better and like she might be able to start re-learning how to walk on her leg, she gets another infection. It is very defeating.

It's been a long three months, with lots of crisis moments, prioritizing, reprioritizing, crying together, talking about the future, considering our fears... you name it. Suffering... from this family's perspective.

Now, suffering doesn't necessarily come from God. In JJ's case, his suffering was related to his choice to continue playing instead of coming when I asked him to come. Suffering isn't necessarily always related to our choices though. There is a lot of suffering that we just aren't going to be able to understand on this side of eternity. Mom's suffering is one of those cases.

Lots of us question why God allows suffering. I can't explain it all. But I do know that God uses every hardship in our lives to shape us and teach us. And, just like I knew better than to bail JJ out of his momentary suffering, God knows better than to bail us out of ours.

The thing is, God is a perfect parent. Sometimes, I get irritated waiting for my kids to attain a skill, or I fail and bail them out of doing something hard, but God doesn't parent like that.

I love one of the conversations in the book, "The Shack". The main character is talking about failure, and asking if God gets frustrated with us when we fail. And God responds that, since he is omniscient, he knows that it's going to take us 48 times before we get it right. So after the first failure, He's so excited because He knows it's only 47 more times before we succeed!

God doesn't let any suffering or hardship go to waste. (Although, some of it is definitely going to MY waist, if you know what I mean!) He lets us work through the suffering, though he remains with us and coaches us through it, so that we will come out the end of it having learned something...

... like how to balance life's demands when mom is sick...

... and like how to hang our shirts up on a hanger.

One thing I'm working on: Let's talk about sex, baby

If the title itself didn't scare you away, and you're the type that gets queasy when talking about sex, this one might not be for you. Or maybe, if talking about sex actually makes you queasy, why don't you just pop a couple of gravol and stick around. Maybe you've never looked at it from this perspective before. Your call.

(I have three pages of notes sitting in front of me and I can't figure out where to begin.)

One of the topics that was covered at the marriage conference we attended (read about it here) was physical intimacy. You could tell as we approached this talk, that most of the men were really excited about this one (Yay! They're going to tell my wife she needs to have more sex with me) and the women were dreading this one (Oh no! They're going to tell me I need to have more sex with my husband). Let me tell you, I came out of there heaving a big sigh of relief. They gave us some good facts and I'll work them in throughout this post. That and having a husband who is a really great communicator has led to some pretty big insights for me on this topic. I'd like to share them with you and show you a little of what I'm working on right now. Be nice to me. This has been a really hard one to write.

Ok, here goes.

Am I the only one who, growing up, really looked forward to this aspect of the marriage relationship and then was pretty shocked, when finally married, to find out that it wasn't as easy as I thought it would be?

It's taken me seven years of marriage to realize something about sex in marriage. In a christian relationship, we start building every other aspect of our relationship before the wedding, but are taught not to deal with the sex part until after the wedding - and yet for some reason, we come into the marriage expecting that the sex part is going to be just as healthy as the rest of the relationship. No wonder a new bride is a little stunned after the honeymoon!

No one teaches us as women how difficult this aspect of the relationship will be. No one tells us that it will require extraordinary amounts of communication between partners to get it right. No one tells us (or more specifically our husbands) that 70% of women require 15 minutes of direct stimulation you-know-where to achieve you-know-what. It doesn't look like that in the movies, does it? FYI: those are actors (as my husband frequently reminds me).

We just don't talk about sex and I think we should. Clearly, the "not talking about it" way isn't working. Not for me, anyways.

It seems to me, that a lot of us (me included at times), treat our husband's God-given need for sex as a problem. His problem in fact. When in truth, it is just as great a need for him as is our need for love. And it is our job to meet that need for our husbands. Yet so many christian men seem to be struggling with the fact that their sexual needs aren't being met by their wives. It leaves them feeling like they are dirty or inadequate for having these needs. So they feel like they have to kill their sex-drive in order to remain in relationship with their wives, but they can't. Needs are non-negotiable. God placed these needs within them for us, and only us, to meet.

One of the most profound things that I heard at the marriage conference was this: wives, you are the only righteous way that your husbands have to deal with the sexual desires that God has placed within them.

Isn't that a beautiful way to picture yourself? Righteousness for your husband. Hearing that has completely changed the way I view sex. Completely.

Sexuality is an area of big difference for men and women. Huge difference. We women, in general, don't receive love through sexual intimacy, but our husbands do. My husband has in fact told me that one of the most important ways for me express my love to him, and for him to feel emotionally connected to me, is through sexual intimacy. Men find it very hard to lovingly care for us the way we need when their sexual needs are not being met.

Let me give you an example of what I mean. For me to feel loved, I need touch and emotional connection with my husband. Stats show that most women need 8-10 non-sexual touches a day to be healthy. Healthy. But you know what? Non-sexual touch doesn't come naturally to my husband unless he is being fulfilled sexually. He just doesn't remember. But when he is feeling fulfilled, it is very natural for him to want to touch me more often and to connect with me emotionally. Conversely, I don't feel much in the mood if I haven't been having my need for touch and emotional connection met. But if he's touching me throughout the day, and calling home just to see how I'm doing... when he gets home, well, you know.

So we come to this gap between us and one of us has to cross first.

Crossing the gap. That's what marriage is - each one choosing to step out across the gap to be with the other. Marriage isn't each giving 50-50... that's cohabitation and I'd venture to guess that none of us really want to just cohabitate with our partner when we could live in a love so much greater than that.

I guess we could sit and wait for our partner to cross the gap first, but our job in marriage is not to make our partner do his or her part - it is to do our part regardless of how well they do theirs. And we married amazing people, didn't we? They just need us to cross the gap to meet them. Someone has to move first.



I think it's worth it. (It might even be fun!)


So there you have it. One thing I'm working on.

And, um, if you call after the kids are in bed and you don't get an answer, um, just leave a message, mkay?


Disclaimer: This is not to suggest that abuse is acceptable. Sex is only right when it is freely given by both partners, within the safety of the marriage commitment.

Forgiveness

Until I became a parent, I never really understood my relationship with God as a father. I got it on an intellectual level, but never really saw how God sees me as his child. As I have been teaching, guiding, and learning to discipline my 3-year-old, God has given me glimpses of what I look like through his eyes.

Yesterday morning, KK earned herself some discipline for being disrespectful (yelling at me) and defiant (refusing to obey). After I disciplined her, we began the process of reconciliation. In our home, the process is not complete until she apologizes for her behaviour. Once she apologizes, I offer her forgiveness and wipe her slate clean. By that, I mean that as soon as forgiveness is granted, it is as if the bad behaviour never occurred. So I'm not still angry or hurt and she is not still being punished. (We'll have to tweak that a little when she gets older and her punishment includes longer term consequences).

The hardest part for KK is humbling herself to say she is sorry. And that's the hardest part for me too, because I want so badly to forgive her and be at peace with her, and yet, I have to wait until she comes to me.

Today, she kept trying to tell me she was sorry, but couldn't complete the sentence. First, she climbed off my lap and picked up her toys, watching my reaction to see if she was forgiven. Then she climbed back into my arms and tried to be reconciled to me, but still couldn't do it. So she tried picking up her clothes. I kept telling her that all she had to do was tell me she was sorry and I'd forgive her and we'd be right again, but she still couldn't do it. She wanted to earn my good favour instead of admitting that she'd done wrong.

Finally, after about 10 minutes of this, KK came and apologized to me. I told her that I forgave her and that I loved her. Immediately, we were reconciled. In that moment, the weight of her sin came off of her and instantly, she was a happy, dancing, laughing little girl again.

Isn't that like us? We think we can be reconciled to God by doing good. That we will earn his good favour by cleaning up our lives or helping other people. We keep coming back to him, expecting to be reconciled, but it's not there. And all God wants us to do is to tell him that we are sorry and ask for his forgiveness. It seems so simple. Too simple. And it is simple. But it requires that we come to him in humility. And that's hard.

But, oh, don't we feel free when we do?!

Because Daddy said so

Yesterday, when I was feeling all black and zigzaggy, I chose not to go into detail about the situation that Peanut-lover is dealing with. It's really not my story to tell. But I think a few details will help you understand the rest of my story today.

For two years, Peanut-lover has been supporting his coworker whose wife has colorectal cancer. Two months ago, they found out she was terminal. Three days ago, they found out that there was nothing more the doctors could do. Yesterday, they found out that she has only weeks to live. She is 36. She has two boys, 13 and 9.

Lately, my prayer life has consisted of a lot of "Why? Why? Why?" prayers. God, I know you can heal her. Why aren't you healing her? Why do they have to suffer so much?

The other day, as I was cleaning the kitchen, and going through another round of "Why?" prayers, God so gently pointed out to me that I get very exasperated when KK starts in with the whys. And often my final answer is "because mommy said so"... There are so many things that I can't explain to her and for now, my best answer is "because mommy said so".

That's the way it is with God too. I was finally able to view his position as a parent and how sometimes, his best answer is "because Daddy said so".

We don't know the end of the story yet. And we, in our finite knowledge, can't understand things to the depth that He does. And so for now, we just have to accept that He knows and wants us to understand, but for now, his answer is "because Daddy said so".