One thing I'm working on: Let's talk about sex, baby

If the title itself didn't scare you away, and you're the type that gets queasy when talking about sex, this one might not be for you. Or maybe, if talking about sex actually makes you queasy, why don't you just pop a couple of gravol and stick around. Maybe you've never looked at it from this perspective before. Your call.

(I have three pages of notes sitting in front of me and I can't figure out where to begin.)

One of the topics that was covered at the marriage conference we attended (read about it here) was physical intimacy. You could tell as we approached this talk, that most of the men were really excited about this one (Yay! They're going to tell my wife she needs to have more sex with me) and the women were dreading this one (Oh no! They're going to tell me I need to have more sex with my husband). Let me tell you, I came out of there heaving a big sigh of relief. They gave us some good facts and I'll work them in throughout this post. That and having a husband who is a really great communicator has led to some pretty big insights for me on this topic. I'd like to share them with you and show you a little of what I'm working on right now. Be nice to me. This has been a really hard one to write.

Ok, here goes.

Am I the only one who, growing up, really looked forward to this aspect of the marriage relationship and then was pretty shocked, when finally married, to find out that it wasn't as easy as I thought it would be?

It's taken me seven years of marriage to realize something about sex in marriage. In a christian relationship, we start building every other aspect of our relationship before the wedding, but are taught not to deal with the sex part until after the wedding - and yet for some reason, we come into the marriage expecting that the sex part is going to be just as healthy as the rest of the relationship. No wonder a new bride is a little stunned after the honeymoon!

No one teaches us as women how difficult this aspect of the relationship will be. No one tells us that it will require extraordinary amounts of communication between partners to get it right. No one tells us (or more specifically our husbands) that 70% of women require 15 minutes of direct stimulation you-know-where to achieve you-know-what. It doesn't look like that in the movies, does it? FYI: those are actors (as my husband frequently reminds me).

We just don't talk about sex and I think we should. Clearly, the "not talking about it" way isn't working. Not for me, anyways.

It seems to me, that a lot of us (me included at times), treat our husband's God-given need for sex as a problem. His problem in fact. When in truth, it is just as great a need for him as is our need for love. And it is our job to meet that need for our husbands. Yet so many christian men seem to be struggling with the fact that their sexual needs aren't being met by their wives. It leaves them feeling like they are dirty or inadequate for having these needs. So they feel like they have to kill their sex-drive in order to remain in relationship with their wives, but they can't. Needs are non-negotiable. God placed these needs within them for us, and only us, to meet.

One of the most profound things that I heard at the marriage conference was this: wives, you are the only righteous way that your husbands have to deal with the sexual desires that God has placed within them.

Isn't that a beautiful way to picture yourself? Righteousness for your husband. Hearing that has completely changed the way I view sex. Completely.

Sexuality is an area of big difference for men and women. Huge difference. We women, in general, don't receive love through sexual intimacy, but our husbands do. My husband has in fact told me that one of the most important ways for me express my love to him, and for him to feel emotionally connected to me, is through sexual intimacy. Men find it very hard to lovingly care for us the way we need when their sexual needs are not being met.

Let me give you an example of what I mean. For me to feel loved, I need touch and emotional connection with my husband. Stats show that most women need 8-10 non-sexual touches a day to be healthy. Healthy. But you know what? Non-sexual touch doesn't come naturally to my husband unless he is being fulfilled sexually. He just doesn't remember. But when he is feeling fulfilled, it is very natural for him to want to touch me more often and to connect with me emotionally. Conversely, I don't feel much in the mood if I haven't been having my need for touch and emotional connection met. But if he's touching me throughout the day, and calling home just to see how I'm doing... when he gets home, well, you know.

So we come to this gap between us and one of us has to cross first.

Crossing the gap. That's what marriage is - each one choosing to step out across the gap to be with the other. Marriage isn't each giving 50-50... that's cohabitation and I'd venture to guess that none of us really want to just cohabitate with our partner when we could live in a love so much greater than that.

I guess we could sit and wait for our partner to cross the gap first, but our job in marriage is not to make our partner do his or her part - it is to do our part regardless of how well they do theirs. And we married amazing people, didn't we? They just need us to cross the gap to meet them. Someone has to move first.



I think it's worth it. (It might even be fun!)


So there you have it. One thing I'm working on.

And, um, if you call after the kids are in bed and you don't get an answer, um, just leave a message, mkay?


Disclaimer: This is not to suggest that abuse is acceptable. Sex is only right when it is freely given by both partners, within the safety of the marriage commitment.