Note to Self

Stop carrying the garbage in the same hand as you carry your keys.

One of these days, the keys are going to go with the garbage while you are on your way to a dentist appointment that you can't cancel without 48 hours notice. You are going to be stuck outside the apartment building in the pouring rain with a baby that wants to nurse and a toddler who needs to pee and the building manager won't be available to let you in.

Keys: left hand. Garbage: right hand.

m'kay?

Heartbreak

My heart has been broken a few times in my life.

The first time my heart was broken, I was 14. I thought I was in love. Maybe I was. It was love to the deepest degree that I knew at the time. And the beginning of my journey to finding what true love meant.

He's the one everyone looks back on and rolls their eyes. Just the mention of his name causes my parents' blood pressure to rise. He was the bad boy in our youth group and I thought I could rescue him. I swear, he must have cheated on me every weekend. But he'd cry and I'd forgive him. Over and over. He dumped me at Teen Camp, clearly because there was a lot more exploring to do there.

From him, I learned that love is not just picking someone and being loyal to them no matter what they do or how they treat you.

The second time, I was 18. We had been dating for 3 years and everyone expected us to get married. But I had just left home to go to University and I wanted freedom. I had to break his heart and it was an agonizing decision that took months for me to figure out.

From him, I learned that love belongs to you only and cannot be controlled by how much everyone else wants it to happen.

The third time, I was 19. This time, I fell deep and fast. My dad had always warned me to "guard my heart". This time I didn't and I gave my whole heart to him. He got scared and needed some "space". I was devastated, depressed, destroyed.

From him, I learned that even though love makes you vulnerable, you can recover and be whole on your own again.

I'd love to be able to say that I didn't ever love anyone before my husband, but the truth is, the love I had was real. As real as I knew how to love at that time and maturity level. Each experience of heartbreak shaped me into the wife I am today and helped me learn how to love the right way...

...without being mistreated...


...apart from others' expectations...


...so deeply that the vulnerability is scary.


And I live in a love now that is safe and deep, loyal and brave. Ours alone.

For more stories on heartbreak, head on over to Absolutely Bananas.

Five things I love about KK

1. Her curls

It took 2 full years for her hair to grow in, but it turns out that good things come to those who wait. Now she has a head full of beautiful curls. I love when she wakes up and her hair is all wild and curly.

2. She has a very sweet spirit and a soft heart

She loves to make people happy and to help mommy. When she sees that someone is hurt, she is very concerned and tries to help them. When I cry, she rubs my face and tells me "you ok". She loves as deeply as she can, telling me often that she loves me "too much".

3. She is so funny and silly

She is constantly coming up with funny stories and silly names for things. She loves to put together crazy outfits, even if they are her baby brother's clothes!

4. She's smart

She always keeps me on my toes. I'm constantly surprised by her level of understanding and challenged to find new ways to keep her mind engaged. Lately that means 100-piece puzzles and educational books.

5. She's mine...

...Until Daddy gets home.

I need YOUR ideas

I have a question for all you parents (or really anyone who has good ideas).

With KK nearing 3 and JJ nearing mobility, I'm trying to figure out how to let KK play with age-appropriate toys, without endangering JJ. I'm sure constant supervision would solve the problem, but the truth is, there are many short periods during the day when one or both kids plays on their own.

I'm not sure if I should limit KK to toys that are safe also for JJ (but unfortunately boring for her), or find a way to limit JJ's exposure to the toys with small parts. KK is pretty responsible in terms of obeying if I tell her that JJ can't play with something. She's also pretty good about cleaning up after herself, but doesn't have the advantage of height to be able to notice a missing piece off to the side. And we all know how good babies are at finding and picking up the tiniest item on the floor.

What do/did you do?

My Mommy Defect

I have a big defect that makes me look like a really bad mommy. Whenever I tell people about something bad that happened to my kids, I can't stop laughing.

Like the time KK fell down the stairs at my dad's house...

Or the other day, when JJ woke us up by falling out of our bed...

Or when KK was jumping in the crib... (snort)... and she... (giggle)... accidentally... (cough)... jumped... (snort, snort, giggle)... right out of the crib.

Aaaahhhhaaaahaaaahaaaa
Haahaaahaaasnorthaa...haa...cough

(Composing self)

Or the time Peanut-lover.... oh wait, he's not my kid...

If you ever are listening to me tell a story about my kids and find it inappropriate that I am rolling on the floor laughing or LMAO (does that actually work... 'cuz I might do it more often if it does)... PLEASE don't think I'm a bad mommy. Believe me, I wasn't laughing when the above events occurred... much... I mean, at all.

Mommy gets a break!

Ok guys, I so loved that poll. It was so much fun watching the votes come in and trying to figure out who was voting for which activity! I totally heart all of you who participated :)

For the three of you who voted for the massage, you'll be happy to know that Peanut-lover surprised me with a spa package yesterday. He got a great deal as a promotion for four sample spa treatments to use over the next 6 months.

For the two that voted for another post. Thank you. I needed for at least one person to select that option!

In the end, I opted to go to the library and read. I figured my babysitter wouldn't appreciate finding me asleep in my bed and do you have any idea how long it's been since I've read a book a grown-up book? This is the girl who used to be able to read through an entire book in one night.

As I was walking to the library, I pulled out my ipod touch and started up my music. I think this is the second time that I've actually used it to listen to music. It's a little hard to wear earphones and have the mommy ears on duty at the same time! So there's me, bopping down the road to NSync (yep, I'm confident enough to admit it) and it felt SO WEIRD! Like I should have a sign on me saying that I'm not just me, I'm a mommy too. But then my ipod shuffled on to the Doodlebops and I got distracted trying to quickly change my music!

When I got to the library, I have to confess that I spent the first half hour picking out new books for KK. Then I settled into a chair and got a whole 3% of my book read before I had to head back home. (It's a long book). (Over 1000 pages). (World Without End - is it worth the investment of time to finish the other 97%?)

I knew I was ready to be mommy again when I couldn't wait to get home to show KK the books I'd picked out for her! (She was really excited).

With all that's been going on with our friends lately, I felt a little guilty ashamed for freaking out and needing/insisting on having this "me" time. I had to keep reminding myself that I'm doing it so that Peanut-lover is freed up to do whatever he can to help them. So he doesn't have to worry about giving me some time off, on top of everything else he's dealing with right now.

I have to keep doing this...taking breaks for myself. It's the only way that I can be the kind of mommy I want to be. Not a perfect mommy, but a great mommy.

Quick Update

(Time's almost up. Don't miss your chance to vote in my poll!!)

I know some of you are worried about me after reading this post and this post earlier this week. So I just wanted to let you know that I got a little break on Tuesday, for physio and a little shopping, and it has helped me a lot. KK has decided to be a big girl every day this week, so far, so that has helped a lot with my sanity level. (Big girl is WAY better than big-girl-pretending-to-be-baby-yet-requiring-more-attention-than-baby). I'll be getting another little break tomorrow, so I'm feeling a little less on the edge.

We also got to go see our friends that are dealing with the cancer issue last night and they seem to be doing surprisingly well. She looks incredible considering her prognosis. They are still trying to find a way to fight the cancer and aren't willing to give up. If you pray, please pray hard for them.

Thanks everyone for your calls, emails, comments, community. I find a lot of strength in your friendship :)

WFMW - Our Favourite Bedtime Stories

Here are two of our favourite bedtime stories right now. The first is "A Bedtime Story" by Mem Fox. It's about a little girl waiting for her parents to come read her a bedtime story because her friend, Bed rabbit, can't read. It goes through her entire bedtime routine and ends with mommy and daddy reading her a story and tucking her into bed. It has a lot of repetition which my daughter LOVES. She has the entire book memorized!

The second is "So Sleepy Story" by Uri Shulevitz. This is KK's absolute favourite! Everything in the house is "sleepy sleepy". (Except the walls, as KK surprisingly noticed. She corrects me every time I read "sleepy pictures on sleepy walls" because in the picture, the walls actually aren't sleepy!)

Say "sleepy sleepy"over and over and it definitely has a calming effect. Unless of course you read it at break-neck speed, like my husband. Then it's just a book.

For more great ideas, head on over to Works for me Wednesday with Shannon at Rocks in my Dryer. I'll see you there!

Because Daddy said so

Yesterday, when I was feeling all black and zigzaggy, I chose not to go into detail about the situation that Peanut-lover is dealing with. It's really not my story to tell. But I think a few details will help you understand the rest of my story today.

For two years, Peanut-lover has been supporting his coworker whose wife has colorectal cancer. Two months ago, they found out she was terminal. Three days ago, they found out that there was nothing more the doctors could do. Yesterday, they found out that she has only weeks to live. She is 36. She has two boys, 13 and 9.

Lately, my prayer life has consisted of a lot of "Why? Why? Why?" prayers. God, I know you can heal her. Why aren't you healing her? Why do they have to suffer so much?

The other day, as I was cleaning the kitchen, and going through another round of "Why?" prayers, God so gently pointed out to me that I get very exasperated when KK starts in with the whys. And often my final answer is "because mommy said so"... There are so many things that I can't explain to her and for now, my best answer is "because mommy said so".

That's the way it is with God too. I was finally able to view his position as a parent and how sometimes, his best answer is "because Daddy said so".

We don't know the end of the story yet. And we, in our finite knowledge, can't understand things to the depth that He does. And so for now, we just have to accept that He knows and wants us to understand, but for now, his answer is "because Daddy said so".

The State of Me

I was going to title this post "The State of the Union", but I thought y'all would get worried about my marriage. Don't worry about my marriage. It's ok.

Me, not so much.

I'd like to always be all pink and light pink, with little white stripes, a joke here and there. But sometimes lately I've been black, with thick white zigzags everywhere. And some yellow ones criss-crossing over them.

I'm this close to losing it people.

I haven't had a break in weeks. Not a long enough break to rejuvenate me. Not even a grocery-shopping-trip-break.

And it's not Peanut-lover's fault. He's at his breaking point too. Without going into great detail, he's been supporting his friend through the worst situation anyone can imagine. And getting extra pressure put on him from work. And that leaves no time for him to help me. I tell him that I ask him to do more, not because I don't think he's doing enough, but because I. Can't. Do. Any. More. And I don't know what else to do.

Me, me, me. Doesn't that sound all selfish of me? I hate it. Aren't I supposed to be all giving and loving and self-sacrificing? Well I have been. And it's burning me out.

I now know what it means to have "had it up to here". It's continually setting your own needs and wants aside. It feels like I'm constantly stuffing "me" down, like filling a suitcase to its max and then sitting on it to be able to close it (you know, like we all did before the airlines added all the luggage fees). I can actually feel it in my chest... and it feels like it's going to explode! And seriously, I can't deal with having to clean up my exploded self on top of everything else around here.

If you know me, you know that I'm not the type to go throwing things and breaking stuff. But I feel like throwing things and breaking stuff. Not my children. I have just barely enough self-control not to do that.

So that's me. All black and zigzaggy.

What do I want from you? Tell me you've been there too and that I'll make it. Tell me this is only a short time and I'll get through. Tell me how you did it.

I need to know I'm not alone.

How effective is your birth control?

(Don't forget to go
vote in my poll!)



Now, back to birth control.

Ours is pretty darn effective:

Not sure how long it'll last though. It certainly keeps us from having to deal with The Question!

(Oh, uh, hi Dad :)

Look! It's a Poll!!

I'm branching out with my bloggy skills. I've created a poll for y'all to vote in. See it? Right there on the top right of my sidebar? Yeah?


Exercise your democratic rights and go vote!

Our Camping Trip Part 3: Bug the Slug

I think this one deserves its own post because I love this set of pictures. I love the colors. I love the outfit. I love the fact that if I show KK how to tickle a bug with a leaf, she thinks it's the coolest thing out there... and I feel less guilty about passing on my fear of spiders to her.

First, meet Bug the Slug:

Cute, isn't he? At least that's what KK said. In fact she said he was "SO cute!" and couldn't stop talking about his cuteness.

Like the outfit? I love it. The dress is so small on her that it looks like a shirt. But she loves it so I let her wear it. And she's happiest in rubber boots. And aren't these some of the cutest rubber boots you've ever seen? You can't see it, but apparently, Bug the Slug is also wearing "a cute skirt and pink leggings".

Here is the leaf that we used to torture tickle Bug the Slug:

Oh, and of course, a cute outfit deserves a cute pose:

Poor JJ. Just sitting off to the side, watching us play. Wishing he could play too.

One day, Son. One day very soon, you too will play with bugs. And I won't have time to take pictures... I can guarantee it!

Conversations with the Crazy Lady

A pink fairy drives by me, carrying her green purse.

Me: Where are you going?

Pink fairy: To buy candy and *mumble*-urch and eggs and *mumble*-oopy.

Me: You're buying candy and church and eggs and poopy?

Pink fairy: No....not chur-urch...

Oh, glad we got that cleared up.

I'm feeding JJ on the couch and the pink fairy walks by again...with her imaginary friend.

Pink fairy: I'm playing with my friend.

Me: What's your friend's name?

Pink fairy: Him name is Name.

Me: Name?

Pink fairy: Yep. Hi Name. It nice to see you today. Is that your little girl, Name? His little girl name is... (thinking)... Namejane... Fendeetch... um... Josh-she-shee.

Me: What does his little girl look like?

Pink fairy: She wearing dress like me.

Me: How old is she?

Pink fairy: Two-half

Me: What does her daddy look like?

Pink fairy: (thinking)......um...like my daddy.

Me: Oh. What does your daddy look like?

Pink fairy (matter-of-factly): Like her daddy, Name.

Now there's some circular reasoning. Is it any wonder I can't speak like a grown-up anymore?!

Feelin' Good

Woohoo!

Today I'm feeling good, even though I was up at 3:45 with KK and folding laundry at 4:00. Wanna know why? I got six straight hours of sleep. That's right! SIX!

Up until now, JJ has only slept through the night a couple of times. And I'm not talking about waking up once for a feed. I'm talking waking every 2-3 hours. For 6 months straight.

Then Sunday night, he slept 6 hours.

Monday night? 8 hours!

And last night? 7 hours! 7 hours in his OWN BED!

This is huge people!

I'm not going to tempt fate by calling this a trend...but whatever it is, I'm NOT complaining!

Grandparents

Peanut-lover and I were talking this morning. Yeah, I know. When did we find time to talk? I got up early and joined him for breakfast. That's how. Maybe I should do that more often....hmmmm.

We talked about how our Grandparents and everyone in that generation might feel that they have little use because they aren't working and don't have the energy to keep up with us younger folk. But that is so not the case. Their great value comes from the fact that they aren't busy like the rest of us.

Take my grandparents for example. They pray for us. All. The. Time. How do I know? I can feel it. And just when I need a word of encouragement, they are there.

I went through a very difficult time with depression when I was 19/20. I remember one day when I felt like I hit the very bottom of the pit and I couldn't stop crying and couldn't stop the pain. I was all alone and couldn't break the cycle. I thought I was going to hurt myself. I cried out to God to send someone to help me and before the sentence was even complete, I heard my Grandpa open the door to our home. And he was just there...but that was enough.

Yesterday, I was having a difficult time emotionally and just at the moment when I felt my lowest, the phone rang. And there was my Grandma calling to offer me a little bit of wisdom from her experience. Right on time, as usual.

In February, I lost my maternal Grandma and some days, I still am overwhelmed with missing her. I know she was always praying for me. She loved me for who I was, no questions. She was always a soft place to fall. Grandparents...what great value they have! Have you appreciated yours today?

He may just earn himself an early weaning

Everyone who meets JJ describes him as a very laid-back little dude. And he is. He is often quite content to just suck on his thumb and watch what's going on around him. Here he is just hanging with his Uncle James:But I'm his mommy and I know a secret: he's got an aggressive streak hiding in that little body of his.

How do I know? He bites me! HARD!!! And he growls angrily at me when he does it, as if to say, "How dare you not provide me with milk at the exact flow rate I enjoy, the moment I demand it?! And that's not the flavor I ordered!!!"

KK gave me a fair share of bites during the 21 months that I breastfed her. But they were always related to teething and never because she was mad at me. And she learned quickly that biting mommy earned her an instant launching into daddy's arms (not what she wanted at the time).

JJ is not learning so quickly. And he's biting me quite frequently. And he doesn't have any teeth yet. And it still really hurts.

We may not make it to 21 months. And that makes me really sad.

Mmmmmm...chockit

Today, KK and I were having a snack after naptime, which by the way is going much better than a couple weeks ago, thank you for asking.

JJ was also with us, but his strained pears were mostly being spit out while he violently shook his head "no".

KK was a boring baby to feed. No funny faces. She loved everything. The only really great video was the one of her double-gagging when offered mushed bananas. And really, that one was funny enough to make up for the rest of the unfunny feedings.

JJ on the other hand? H.I.L.A.R.I.O.U.S. He makes faces at everything and shakes his head no at almost everything, while lunging at our (totally choking hazard) food. Every time we sit him in the high chair, he surveys the table and bounces around excitedly waiting for whatever we have to offer. But then refuses everything. He'll actually cry if fed yams. True story.

Want to see what I mean:

Baby food? No

Choking hazards? Yes.

Anyway....that's not the point of my story. So, KK and I are eating chocolate covered fruit. I feel a little better about the chocolate if it is covering fruit. And considering she told me "I not like that" last time I brought out the chocolate fruit, I figured it was safe to bring it out again. This time she decided to try it.

KK: What this is mama?

Me: It's chocolate.

KK: Chockit?

Me: Yes, chocolate.

KK: Like in the veemoo? (translation: movie)

Me: Yes, like in the veemoo.

(I can't help using some of her lingo. I sometimes even use it when she is not around. For example, asking another adult where the "potty" is. That falls under the same category as rocking my grocery cart as if to soothe my groceries. Dead giveaway that I'm a mommy!)

Me: Wait. What movie?

KK: The veemoo with the chockit.

Me: How do you remember that? You watched that months ago!

(At least 6 months ago in fact. It was before JJ was born when Peanut-lover watched "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" with her and felt she needed to eat chocolate while watching it for the "full experience".)

KK: Chockit good at me. Chockit make me go "rrrrrrroooooaaaaaaarrrrrrr". (Insert cute scary face here.)

Yeah, not sure where she got that, but WOW! Does she ever have a good memory! And darn is she ever cute!

Oh and Happy Birthday Peanut-lover. We love you!!

Camping Trip - Part 2

And here it is. Finally, the second part of our camping trip pictures.

It is hard to find a picture of the four of us, so even though I look completely dweeby in this picture, I thought you might like to see it. Some lady at the campground offered to take it. When I saw this proof that I should never wear a ponytail again, I was glad that she didn't zoom in. No, that's not a receding hairline. That's me. Being dweeby. Got it? No more ponytails.

Considering I have a hard time getting outdoors once a week, KK was pretty thrilled to have near unlimited access to "inside" (translation: outside). She's a very good listener when we give her limits, so it was easy to just park ourselves by the campfire and let her play peekaboo around the trees for as long as she wanted.
And JJ enjoyed watching his sister disappear and reappear over and over and over and over...
He's a pretty cute little camping dude, isn't he?

When we got really lazy, we had KK build a fire for us.

Uh, just kidding, in case you didn't know. But she makes a pretty cute little lumberjill now doesn't she?

Lots of marshmallows gave their lives for the sake of smores and smookies. Unfortunately, after the first weekend, our awesome roasting forks got sacrificed for the sake of welding experiments.


Camping buddies:

Peanut-lover's family came out to join us around the campfire many nights. This isn't his entire family. This is 10% of his family...and a guitar.

KK got to experience her first boat ride on Uncle J's boat. One of my favourite pictures of her:

We thought she might be a little scared, but she hopped right in the driver's seat and asked to go "faster!" Here's her "get out of my way!" face....oh, and Peanut-lover's model pose.

Near the end of our trip, we had some friends from home come out to visit. We offered them hot dogs and hamburgers. They brought smokies, pasta salad, cookies, chips, plates, chicken burgers, cheese, buns...they came prepared!

Peanut-lover cooked up a feast....while Con kept a close eye on the chef.

After dinner, we spread out and played some frisbee...
As fun as that was, KK really just wanted to play with the "big boys"...

...but she settled for some badminton instead.

Peanut-lover worked the morning of our last day and then came back for lunch. He and I had sandwiches. Here's what the kids ate:

Ummm, did someone forget to tell him that the plate is not the part that we eat???

Stay tuned for the final installment of our camping trip story: Bug the Slug.

The Impossible Quiz

If you like to think outside the box (and you have lots of time to waste), this quiz is for you. After many tries, I finally made it to somewhere around question 70 or 80. I'm not sure how long it goes.

Play The Impossible Quiz

After you try it, come back and leave me a comment about how far you got before you gave up!

What I didn't expect

I've been a mommy now for exactly 973 days (1229 if you count my pregnancy). No big anniversary here...I just wanted to count it. I guess I could celebrate reaching 1000 in 27 days (that's July 30th if you're reading this Peanut-lover).

There were a lot of things about being a mommy that I expected.

I expected the sleep-deprivation and the huge adjustment to becoming a parent. (Although really, there is no way to prepare for the complete shock it induces). I expected to adore morning cuddles in bed. I expected to resent setting my own wants aside to give my children what they need. I expected to be listening to the same kids' music over and over until I feel like donating my sense of hearing to the deaf. I expected the changes in my body. If my old body ever wanted to come back, however, I would welcome her with open arms. (Old body, did you hear that? Come home. Your key still fits in the lock. All will be forgiven.)

What I didn't expect? Bruises. Bruises everywhere. At any given moment, I have at least 3 bruises somewhere on my body, in varying states of colorful healing. Currently, I have two little brown ones on my thigh, one yellow one on each calf, and let me just turn around...whoa! how'd I get that one?!

It's all these dang toys! I crash into the jumperoo when I misjudge my step around it. I trip over a doll's shoe and there's a new bruise where I caught myself with my arm. I finally get a chance to sit down and ouch! there's Mary from the little people set. And on my way up from the parking garage, you know I must be crashing into doorways and corners balancing an occupied carseat, a diaper bag, a purse, and an abandoned doll. (Yes, that's the same doll that she promised to carry herself).

Bruises. They should warn you about that in the baby books.

Well, I meant to write....

Somehow a miracle occurred tonight and I got a few minutes to myself! I sat down to write some of the posts that have been brewing in my brain...but got a little distracted.

I've redecorated a little here in Bloggyland. Added a few pictures, tidied up...if my home isn't going to be clean, at least my blog should be, right?!!

Take a look around. What do you think?

Thank you Pizza

On Sunday, we are having JJ's dedication. If you're not familiar with child dedications, this is where we promise to raise our children in a Godly home and dedicate them to God. Our families and church family also promise to support us in that endeavor.

I'm really excited about the dedication. It is a very happy occasion and important enough that anyone in our family that can make it, will do their best to be there.

What I'm not looking forward to is the after party. This isn't a formal or required party, but since, oh, 95% of our family will be coming from out of town for the dedication, we really should feed them and visit with them while they are here! That means hosting a party for anywhere between 20 and 40 people. That's the part that usually freaks me out!

This time, however, I'm not freaking out! Wanna know why not? Pizza. Costco pizza in fact. This year, I have decided to LET IT GO and just serve pizza. And that's all I'm going to think about until everyone gets here. Coffee? Not thinking about it. Tea? Not thinking about it. Juice? If we want it, we can run upstairs and get it.

Hmmmm...I'm actually starting to look forward to this.