Perfection

About five months ago, we went through a very challenging period with KK. Out of the blue, she went through a complete regression back to being a baby. No. Worse than being a baby, because she required even more attention than JJ did at the time.

She refused to dress herself, feed herself, talk properly, walk... everything but the potty training regressed. And every day, all day, I pleaded with God not to let me lose the potty training. She wanted me to put her "night-night panties" (pull-ups) on like a diaper though. (And after not seeing her bum in that position since she was about 20 months old, it seemed like an extra abnormally large bum on which to be putting a diaper.)

Every day, it felt like she regressed more and I couldn't figure out what to do about it. She was requiring so much extra attention that I basically put JJ in the jumperoo and left him there for a month. (He was happy. He loved that jumperoo.) I felt like something was going on with her that couldn't be solved by simply ordering her to be a big girl, although I did have "less patient" days, where ordering her was all I did. I was at my wits end.

Had this all happened when JJ was born, it wouldn't have surprised me. I was prepared for it all to happen when he was born in fact. No, it happened when he was 6 months old and completely blindsided me.

One night, I was discussing it with a very wise old man on the phone (Oh, hi dad!). My dad prayed with me for a while that night and afterward told me that he felt we really needed to just wait it out. It was the same advice that my mom had given me in more or less words. If we forced her through it too fast, we'd have to go through it all over again.

Then my dad said something that sparked a change in my perspective about parenting. This change in perspective took about a month to develop, but started like this (or something like this):

"Toots (yeah, go ahead and laugh), I know you really want to do this right, and you're trying so hard to do everything the right way... but I think that there might not be one right way here. I think you might just have to wait it out. And everything will be ok. You're doing a good job."

That advice resonated with me... and then grew into an amazing perspective change for me. About a month later, it suddenly dawned on me, I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS PERFECTLY.

I know, right? Of course I don't have to do this perfectly. But it wasn't until that moment, that I put it into words and started giving myself some grace. It was earth-shattering for me.

I'm textbook type-A personality, so I always try to do everything perfect. And it's exhausting. And that was fine when I was in high-school and had very little else to manage. But right now, I have a lot to manage. And I don't have to do it all perfect. Not that I was, by any stretch of the imagination.

That doesn't mean that I don't try to do my best at everything. But some days, my best is different than other days. And some days I have really not perfect days and I go too far the other direction. But most of the time, I'm good enough. And good enough, is good enough.

I'm not perfect. And that's ok.