Back a few months ago, I read some tips about safety on a blog that I think are important to share (if it was your blog, let us know in the comments because my brain is leaky and I can't remember where the info came from).
As KK gets more and more independent, I've realized that I need to be more and more honest with her about protecting herself in a world that, while mostly safe, has some very bad people in it. Of course I'd rather just protect her all the time and let her keep her beautiful naivety, but my arms can only stretch so far and I know my little bird needs to fly.
Last summer, we started teaching two basic safety tips:
1. Stay where you can see mommy (a subtle difference from "stay where mommy can see you", but it makes a world of difference in terms of her understanding and compliance).
2. If you get separated from mommy or daddy, find a mommy with kids and tell her that you can't find your mommy. (We've also had her memorize our full names and phone number).
We started asking her what she would do if she got separated from us, at every occasion where that might be a possibility, until she started giving us the right answer.
This summer, I read about role playing with kids what they would do in an attempted abduction. The best advice was to remember that we teach our kids that it's not ok to hit or scream, so don't expect them to do that to a stranger (especially not a stranger).
A couple months ago, I thought I'd just check with KK to see what she would do.
Mommy: What would you do if someone you didn't know picked you up and tried to take you away from me?
KK: I would ask them to please put me down.
Mommy: What if they didn't listen?
KK: I don't know.
Mommy: You would kick them as hard as you could and scream as loud as you could.
KK (very surprised): But I might hurt them or hurt their ears.
Mommy: That's ok. If someone is trying to take you away, you have to kick and scream as loud as you can, so mommy can hear you. It's ok to hurt them.
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We've been repeating this one over and over this summer and she's finally giving me the right answers, except that she still asks to make sure it's ok to kick and scream, even though it might hurt someone.
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This morning, before we headed out to the park, we had this conversation:
Mommy: If you can't find mommy, what do you do?
KK: I find a mommy with kids and tell her I can't find my mommy and JJ.
Mommy: Good. And what if someone tells you that they have candy and you need to come to their car?
KK: Hmmmmm. I should tell them that I need to ask you first.
Mommy: Good. What if it's a kitty that they have in their car and they say your mommy is too busy?
KK: I should tell them that I should wait until my mommy isn't busy and ask her first.
Mommy: Right. And what if they pick you up and carry you away?
KK: I should kick them and scream as loud as I can. But what if I hurt their ears? Is it ok to hurt their ears?
Mommy: Yes, it's ok to hurt their ears. Mommy needs to be able to hear you.
A few minutes later, a new thought occurred to me:
Mommy: KK, what if someone asked you to come to their car for candy or to see their kitty and they said that your mommy said it was ok?
KK (shrugging her shoulders): I would say, "Ok".
Mommy: But what if they were lying and mommy didn't say it was ok?
KK: I don't know.
Mommy: You still need to say that YOU need to ask your mommy. It is your job to always check with mommy first, no matter what they say to you.
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Why don't I simply say, "don't talk to strangers?" Because most abductions are not by strangers and sometimes we DO have to talk to strangers and the line of when it is and isn't ok is not clear enough for a child to understand.
Have you had a conversation like this with your child yet? If you haven't, please do. And if you have any other tips, please share them in the comments.
We all want to keep our babies safe.
SO important. I had an awful experience about 2 months ago when we went to a town fair. A wanted to go down the bounce-climber castle thing, so K and I drop him off, take his shoes and walk through the crowd to the other side....I wait and wait...no A.....I wait (maybe he is playing longer)...it dawns on me....he's gone. Luckily there was a police booth there giving away badges and doing finger prints (we had stopped to do prints on the way in). I ran there, and there he was. Two women had found him wandering looking for me.
ReplyDeleteThe most awful day of my life, but also a learning moment.
Always carry photos in your bag and have your child remember what you are wearing.
Scary stuff, but important to teach young. Well written :)
If I bring my camera when we go to a very public venue, I take a digital photo of the Tongginator - a head to toe shot - so that I have a same-day and same-outfit shot just in case. This is in addition to the photos I have in my wallet.
ReplyDeleteI also braid the Tongginator's hair when it's wet if we go somewhere crowded... that way it's not that easy to change her hairstyle - it would be evident it was once braided, even if someone cut it short.
I write her name inside the soles of her shoes.
Several years ago when you and your brother were much, MUCH younger we would go to a summer church camp each year. Your dad and I took on specific areas of responsibilities and one of those areas included the operation of the both of us running the day/evening canteen.
ReplyDeleteWe had this little red topped tent trailer that we would park near the canteen area so we could easily check on you both each evening. This one evening – I was walking up to the tent trailer to make sure you have both fallen soundly asleep and instead heard you both talking. I believe JJ might have been all of 2 ½ and you 4 ½ or you could have been even younger, I just can’t remember anymore. However, back to the story – I stopped to listen to you engaging your brother in a very similar conversation and you had him repeating your answers over and over.
Your post reminds me of that scripture verse, slightly taken out of context or not, “train up a child in the way s/he should go and when he is old(er) s/he will not depart from the truth”. The blessing for me is what was instilled in you as a child, even though you may have not remembered where it came from, you are now imparting into your children.
Thank you to all who post similar reminders of how to equip our most precious gifts to live safely and happily in our world. Your comments are very valid, speaking from personal experience.
I think this is one of the hardest lessons to teach kids. My oldest is so outgoing and friendly that it has been hard to teach her safety without making her scared of strangers to the point that she becomes panicked in public.
ReplyDeleteWhen I started teaching her this stuff I must have handled it wrong and she was afraid of everyone. One day at day care her (then) 2yo sister was saying hi to another kid's grandfather and my oldest became hysterical because he was a "stranger!" It didn't help that he jokingly said, "Be careful I just might bite!"
You have never seen a child so afraid of being bitten by someone's grandpa. It was terrible (and, if I'm totally honest, kind of funny). We had to reassure her for weeks that not all strangers are bad and that she wasn't in danger of being bitten by random old men.
Thanks for your tips! I will definitely try taking this approach and reintroducing the stranger danger/public safety talk with them!
My oldest son has spent every Thursday with his grandma since he was a baby. My mother-in-law is very old school and is blissful that the world is perfect and nothing can happen and she does so many things I don't agree with. When Luke was about 2 years old I had to start having these conversations. Every Thursday in the car we would drive to meet grandma and discuss all of these things. MY one difference is when in a store, he is never to leave the store with anyone. I also always tell him to go to the cash register and ask for help finding his mommy. I never thought about a mommy with kids, I like that idea also.
ReplyDeleteLuke is in school and now I have to start this whole process with Thomas and his grandma. The good news is I don't let Thomas go with grandma every week. I changed the rules and it is only every other week. I don't want it at all but I have to teach and pray it will be OK each week.
You are so very smart to do this with your child. I always used the stay where you can see me rule too. They can understand that.
ReplyDeleteI like the rule that KK needs to stay where SHE can see YOU. As a kid, I thought I was lost in a department store b/c I couldn't see my Mom. She could see me...so she knew I was safe, but I panicked when she wasn't where I thought she was.
ReplyDeleteOops! that last comment was mine! Forgot to sign it sorry!
ReplyDeleteEmily