More on depression (or why I haven't been writing)

(I wrote about depression once before. You can find that post here. I write in the hopes that I can clear up some misunderstandings about depression or at least explain how it affects me.)

I go through pretty predictable cycles of depression. Not predictable in that I could mark it on my calendar, although truthfully, I've never tried, so maybe I could. But predictable in that the factors are almost always the same and I can usually catch my descent before it gets to the point that I need outside help.

A cycle typically starts with me getting over-tired. Several nights up with a sick kid, a difficult recovery from working night shifts, a camping trip... or sometimes all of the above. I legitimately need to rest, so I limit plans and stay close to home. Unfortunately, not getting out causes me to start descending into depression. And what happens next is what I believe is a poorly understood part of depression.

As I start to feel less able to cope with life, I tend to pull into where I feel safe. Since I'm a hermit anyways, I tend to hide myself away more and more. But not getting out leads me into depression. As I start slipping, it gets harder and harder to organize myself. I can't complete thoughts. I can't make decisions. My sis-in-law describes it perfectly as "like a state of confusion".

In this state of confusion, where I can't make plans and can't make decisions, the smallest things overwhelm me. It's like trying to climb over a small hill, except that it feels like a huge mountain. So trying to pack a diaper bag to go out for the morning, or get the kids dressed feel like massive jobs with millions of steps and I can't figure out where to start. Small things overwhelm me, causing me to pull in further to where I feel safe.

For someone who has never experienced depression, it seems so simple. Just get out more and I'll feel better. But I can't make myself go out. I can't figure out how to do it. I'm confused, remember?

Usually, I can catch a cycle of depression before it gets to the point where I actually need someone to take over for me. It's taken several episodes of depression and some counselling to get me to the point where I can recognize the signs and implement plans to get myself back on track.

Sometimes, though, it sneaks up on me and blindsides me. And then Peanut-lover has to take over. (Thank you Lord that he has intentionally stretched his own understanding to learn more about how depression affects me and how he can help me deal with it). Peanut-lover offers me rest and then walks me through decision-making and plan-making until I feel that I can take it on again.

Last week, I got blindsided.

And I crashed.

I can look back over the 6 weeks and see all the signs now, but I really didn't see it coming this time. I just thought I was tired. (And I had plenty of reasons to be tired, believe me). Each day last week was progressively worse, until Friday, where I spent most of the day in tears.* By the time Peanut-lover got home, I was a complete mess.... I couldn't stop crying and I had started thinking irrational thoughts that I hadn't entertained for years.

(*Here seems like a good time to clarify that depression is not just a deeper level of sadness. Although sadness can be involved, it is the confusion and inability to organize that are the immobilizing factors of depression.)

Peanut-lover let me cry it all out, held me, prayed with me, and then started making decisions for me. For someone who takes care of people for a living (at work AND at home), it is a great relief to have the load taken off of me every-so-often. Peanut-lover sent the kids out with Grandma and Grandpa for the evening and took me for a burrito and a walk. He implemented Tuesday nights as our night where we hang out together after the kids are in bed and catch up with each other. He insisted that I make plans once-a-month to get out with a girlfriend and helped me figure out how I could make that happen.

The next day, he took the kids for the entire day to visit his family so that I could get caught up on some stuff that had been overwhelming me and get some time to myself. When he got home from his day out with the kids, he helped me clean out the corner of our room beside my side of the bed so that I could relax when I go to bed (a huge project which I will try to blog about soon).

I have a little bit of momentum now, but I need to keep moving. I've made some plans and am working on some more plans for the coming weeks. I work two night shifts this weekend, so I'll be fighting extra hard to avoid falling into the cycle again.

If you deal with depression, what are the skills you have learned to fight it off?

If you know someone who gets depressed, what do you do to support them?

And if you know my husband, can you thank him for being such a strength for me? Aren't I blessed to have him?!