I couldn't figure out what felt wrong about the picture. Two parents, a girl kid, a boy kid... everyone tells us we are the ideal family. So what was wrong with the picture?
I finally realized that the picture I saw of myself as mom wasn't the same as the picture I'd imagined of myself as mom. The difference is simple: I've never imagined myself as the mom of little kids. My imaginings have always stopped at being the mom of babies. But my babies aren't babies anymore. I knew I would eventually be the mom of little kids. I guess I just thought I'd have more time to adjust to seeing myself that way.
As I'm leaving this season of my life and moving forward to the next, I am grieving a little less than I would have expected. For sure, there are tugs that try to pull me back to those cozy days of having a newborn. My ovaries have started whispering to me about the softness of a baby's head against my breast, the milky scent of a baby, and the teeny-tiny little clothes. But I'm also really excited about moving away from that stage of unpredictability, sleeplessness, never having enough arms to carry everything.
I just need to start picturing myself differently. I am the mom of little kids. No longer the mom of babies. But I am mom. And I love it.
I'm just loving how you're expressing yourself these days. Not that you weren't expressing yourself well before, I'm just saying it just keeps getting better.
ReplyDeleteLove this post.
Wow! You just put a lot of my feelings into words! You hit the nail on the head. Thanks so much for doing this post!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteThat black and white photograph is simply wonderful!
ReplyDeleteI, too, have found I leave each season with a hint of melancholy and a hint of excitement. I'm having a hard time knowing I will never have another baby to cuddle so I cherish time with C who is three. And my 9-year-old? That has been so weird to me because he's not a "little kid" anymore. Not in any way! It has been quite a shock really!
So glad to see you embracing this next season : )