There's no baby left in her, is there? She's all little girl now.Any one else out there feeling a little teary?
No? Ok, it's just me then.
It seems so strange to me that this bittersweet feeling exists. The feeling of celebrating each new stage and, at the same time, privately grieving the passing of the last stage. Isn't this the point of parenting? To help our children grow up? Why is it then so hard for me to watch it happen? It's not like I want her to go back!
At the same time, as KK reaches each new level of success, I feel a little guilty for the relief that I feel. Relief that she is now able to do another thing on her own. Why the guilt? I feel guilty that I'm celebrating her success partly because it makes life easier for me.
Yesterday when I was in the nursery at church, KK told me that she needed to go pee. Then she informed me that she could go on her own (there's a little bathroom right off of the nursery). I walked her to the door and told her to come right back when she was done. And she did it. All by herself. (Yay! Sniff!)
Then we went out for lunch with some friends and KK needed to go pee again. She wanted to use a stall all by herself and for the first time, I was that mom standing outside the stall, holding the door at the top... listening to her being a big girl, all by herself. (Yay! Sniff!)
At night, I sneak into her room. There, splayed across the bed, snuggled into her blankie, favourite doll of the moment tucked in her arms, I find the baby left in my girl:
It's this holding on and letting go. Just another paradoxical thing about being a mommy. Will I ever get it figured out?
She still has baby teeth, that's something? If you do figure it all out, tell us, because none of us have it figured out either. Just wait until she is 10 and competing in spelling bees and going to sleep overs and takes a shower on her own. I'm thankful for my boys' independence but I grieve it too. Life is easier in some ways (each stage brings its own challenges) but I still miss my babies. I guess I always will, even though I'm proud of the little men they are becoming.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure you're supposed to figure it out...but I think that is an easy answer for me to say since I have no children.
ReplyDeleteI also don't think you should feel guilty about the relief you feel over KK growing up. Rather, look at this new time as an opportunity to engage with her in new ways that will only enhance your relationship in the long run (as well as give you some moments of sanity in the short term...)
Emily
Wow, that Emily is wise.
ReplyDeleteAnother beautiful post. I feel the same way. It's so tiring feeling so many things at the same time all day every day. But lovely too.
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ReplyDeleteAhh . . . and I thought it was only me!
ReplyDeleteAt each of the stages you and your brother went through I too grieved the passing of the specialness of the one left behind.
Do you remember the photo of you in the front yard of our little chalet home? You with your little lunch kit and your brother standing beside you? A smile on your face and the feeling that you were a ‘big girl’ now said you were ready to get going with life. You wanted to go, to grow and learn - life was interesting and you both were curious.
The absolute hardest for me was when we left you at university the very first time, you walking away from us - I wept for a long time. Dad couldn't consol me. And yet, I knew you were heading off just like I did, to fulfill your dream and begin your future.
I shed joyful tears at your wedding because you had found such a beautiful love and relationship.
As I sat in the hallway of the hospital waiting for our little KK to be born - I wept hard - for you, for the physical pain you were feeling. I am convinced that pain is the forerunner for the beginning of the many times we feel pain in our hearts over our children.
I shed tears of absolute joy as I heard KK's first cry - my little girl was now a mommy.
I cry today over silly things - things I don't understand, reasons I can't explain. There is an amazing bond between parent and child - I lived/continue to live for every moment, for every experience, for every new moment - with both you and your brother.
Today I wonderful memories of the happy laughter that rang through the house and remember thesquabbles you and your brother had that nearly drove us crazy. They were all so trivial when I look back. For sure there were at times sheer exhaustion raising you two. However, there were many more sweet and precious times like that of preparing you both for bedtime. We would quietly walk in each evening to check that you both were ok – to see and smell the sweetness of innocence as you slept and gently sighed. This and more all the while knowing that while you slept you would continue to grow – right out of my arms.
Today as I read your blog and wrote my comments, warms tears graced my face – remembering the precious moments we had/have together – these times were/are all just way too short in the circle of my life.
Be assured as I have watched as you and your brother have become great parents; you both have made me proud that I was/am your mom!
Fondly remembering you still as my baby girl! Mom
Aww, reading your mom's response made me cry!
ReplyDeleteI love when they reach those next steps but miss some of the things that they use to need me for.
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel because my 6 year old has no baby in him and it is so hard.
My Sue is the same way. For some reason three-year-old little girls are way less baby-like than my little boys were. It's so hard because she is my last baby!
ReplyDeleteI can always commiserate with you on this one!
I'm just starting the "grieving process" of stage one - my little one (9 mo's old) is beginning to wean himself off nursing little by little - and I feel the odd feeling of not wanting to let go of our bonding time. I know I can't sit around nursing an 18 year old, but geez, can't he stop growing for just a few months so I can pause life and enjoy babyhood a little longer??
ReplyDeleteMy dad says he remembers the stages of grieving, but the best thing is that each stage comes with even more love and surprises and something new to look forward too. He told me that "yeh, it's sad when they move on, but you must remember that the next stage will be just as exciting". Dads are pretty wise, because when I think of his words it helps me "let go" a little more easily.