Note to Self

Stop carrying the garbage in the same hand as you carry your keys.

One of these days, the keys are going to go with the garbage while you are on your way to a dentist appointment that you can't cancel without 48 hours notice. You are going to be stuck outside the apartment building in the pouring rain with a baby that wants to nurse and a toddler who needs to pee and the building manager won't be available to let you in.

Keys: left hand. Garbage: right hand.

m'kay?

Heartbreak

My heart has been broken a few times in my life.

The first time my heart was broken, I was 14. I thought I was in love. Maybe I was. It was love to the deepest degree that I knew at the time. And the beginning of my journey to finding what true love meant.

He's the one everyone looks back on and rolls their eyes. Just the mention of his name causes my parents' blood pressure to rise. He was the bad boy in our youth group and I thought I could rescue him. I swear, he must have cheated on me every weekend. But he'd cry and I'd forgive him. Over and over. He dumped me at Teen Camp, clearly because there was a lot more exploring to do there.

From him, I learned that love is not just picking someone and being loyal to them no matter what they do or how they treat you.

The second time, I was 18. We had been dating for 3 years and everyone expected us to get married. But I had just left home to go to University and I wanted freedom. I had to break his heart and it was an agonizing decision that took months for me to figure out.

From him, I learned that love belongs to you only and cannot be controlled by how much everyone else wants it to happen.

The third time, I was 19. This time, I fell deep and fast. My dad had always warned me to "guard my heart". This time I didn't and I gave my whole heart to him. He got scared and needed some "space". I was devastated, depressed, destroyed.

From him, I learned that even though love makes you vulnerable, you can recover and be whole on your own again.

I'd love to be able to say that I didn't ever love anyone before my husband, but the truth is, the love I had was real. As real as I knew how to love at that time and maturity level. Each experience of heartbreak shaped me into the wife I am today and helped me learn how to love the right way...

...without being mistreated...


...apart from others' expectations...


...so deeply that the vulnerability is scary.


And I live in a love now that is safe and deep, loyal and brave. Ours alone.

For more stories on heartbreak, head on over to Absolutely Bananas.

Five things I love about KK

1. Her curls

It took 2 full years for her hair to grow in, but it turns out that good things come to those who wait. Now she has a head full of beautiful curls. I love when she wakes up and her hair is all wild and curly.

2. She has a very sweet spirit and a soft heart

She loves to make people happy and to help mommy. When she sees that someone is hurt, she is very concerned and tries to help them. When I cry, she rubs my face and tells me "you ok". She loves as deeply as she can, telling me often that she loves me "too much".

3. She is so funny and silly

She is constantly coming up with funny stories and silly names for things. She loves to put together crazy outfits, even if they are her baby brother's clothes!

4. She's smart

She always keeps me on my toes. I'm constantly surprised by her level of understanding and challenged to find new ways to keep her mind engaged. Lately that means 100-piece puzzles and educational books.

5. She's mine...

...Until Daddy gets home.

I need YOUR ideas

I have a question for all you parents (or really anyone who has good ideas).

With KK nearing 3 and JJ nearing mobility, I'm trying to figure out how to let KK play with age-appropriate toys, without endangering JJ. I'm sure constant supervision would solve the problem, but the truth is, there are many short periods during the day when one or both kids plays on their own.

I'm not sure if I should limit KK to toys that are safe also for JJ (but unfortunately boring for her), or find a way to limit JJ's exposure to the toys with small parts. KK is pretty responsible in terms of obeying if I tell her that JJ can't play with something. She's also pretty good about cleaning up after herself, but doesn't have the advantage of height to be able to notice a missing piece off to the side. And we all know how good babies are at finding and picking up the tiniest item on the floor.

What do/did you do?

My Mommy Defect

I have a big defect that makes me look like a really bad mommy. Whenever I tell people about something bad that happened to my kids, I can't stop laughing.

Like the time KK fell down the stairs at my dad's house...

Or the other day, when JJ woke us up by falling out of our bed...

Or when KK was jumping in the crib... (snort)... and she... (giggle)... accidentally... (cough)... jumped... (snort, snort, giggle)... right out of the crib.

Aaaahhhhaaaahaaaahaaaa
Haahaaahaaasnorthaa...haa...cough

(Composing self)

Or the time Peanut-lover.... oh wait, he's not my kid...

If you ever are listening to me tell a story about my kids and find it inappropriate that I am rolling on the floor laughing or LMAO (does that actually work... 'cuz I might do it more often if it does)... PLEASE don't think I'm a bad mommy. Believe me, I wasn't laughing when the above events occurred... much... I mean, at all.

Mommy gets a break!

Ok guys, I so loved that poll. It was so much fun watching the votes come in and trying to figure out who was voting for which activity! I totally heart all of you who participated :)

For the three of you who voted for the massage, you'll be happy to know that Peanut-lover surprised me with a spa package yesterday. He got a great deal as a promotion for four sample spa treatments to use over the next 6 months.

For the two that voted for another post. Thank you. I needed for at least one person to select that option!

In the end, I opted to go to the library and read. I figured my babysitter wouldn't appreciate finding me asleep in my bed and do you have any idea how long it's been since I've read a book a grown-up book? This is the girl who used to be able to read through an entire book in one night.

As I was walking to the library, I pulled out my ipod touch and started up my music. I think this is the second time that I've actually used it to listen to music. It's a little hard to wear earphones and have the mommy ears on duty at the same time! So there's me, bopping down the road to NSync (yep, I'm confident enough to admit it) and it felt SO WEIRD! Like I should have a sign on me saying that I'm not just me, I'm a mommy too. But then my ipod shuffled on to the Doodlebops and I got distracted trying to quickly change my music!

When I got to the library, I have to confess that I spent the first half hour picking out new books for KK. Then I settled into a chair and got a whole 3% of my book read before I had to head back home. (It's a long book). (Over 1000 pages). (World Without End - is it worth the investment of time to finish the other 97%?)

I knew I was ready to be mommy again when I couldn't wait to get home to show KK the books I'd picked out for her! (She was really excited).

With all that's been going on with our friends lately, I felt a little guilty ashamed for freaking out and needing/insisting on having this "me" time. I had to keep reminding myself that I'm doing it so that Peanut-lover is freed up to do whatever he can to help them. So he doesn't have to worry about giving me some time off, on top of everything else he's dealing with right now.

I have to keep doing this...taking breaks for myself. It's the only way that I can be the kind of mommy I want to be. Not a perfect mommy, but a great mommy.

Quick Update

(Time's almost up. Don't miss your chance to vote in my poll!!)

I know some of you are worried about me after reading this post and this post earlier this week. So I just wanted to let you know that I got a little break on Tuesday, for physio and a little shopping, and it has helped me a lot. KK has decided to be a big girl every day this week, so far, so that has helped a lot with my sanity level. (Big girl is WAY better than big-girl-pretending-to-be-baby-yet-requiring-more-attention-than-baby). I'll be getting another little break tomorrow, so I'm feeling a little less on the edge.

We also got to go see our friends that are dealing with the cancer issue last night and they seem to be doing surprisingly well. She looks incredible considering her prognosis. They are still trying to find a way to fight the cancer and aren't willing to give up. If you pray, please pray hard for them.

Thanks everyone for your calls, emails, comments, community. I find a lot of strength in your friendship :)

WFMW - Our Favourite Bedtime Stories

Here are two of our favourite bedtime stories right now. The first is "A Bedtime Story" by Mem Fox. It's about a little girl waiting for her parents to come read her a bedtime story because her friend, Bed rabbit, can't read. It goes through her entire bedtime routine and ends with mommy and daddy reading her a story and tucking her into bed. It has a lot of repetition which my daughter LOVES. She has the entire book memorized!

The second is "So Sleepy Story" by Uri Shulevitz. This is KK's absolute favourite! Everything in the house is "sleepy sleepy". (Except the walls, as KK surprisingly noticed. She corrects me every time I read "sleepy pictures on sleepy walls" because in the picture, the walls actually aren't sleepy!)

Say "sleepy sleepy"over and over and it definitely has a calming effect. Unless of course you read it at break-neck speed, like my husband. Then it's just a book.

For more great ideas, head on over to Works for me Wednesday with Shannon at Rocks in my Dryer. I'll see you there!

Because Daddy said so

Yesterday, when I was feeling all black and zigzaggy, I chose not to go into detail about the situation that Peanut-lover is dealing with. It's really not my story to tell. But I think a few details will help you understand the rest of my story today.

For two years, Peanut-lover has been supporting his coworker whose wife has colorectal cancer. Two months ago, they found out she was terminal. Three days ago, they found out that there was nothing more the doctors could do. Yesterday, they found out that she has only weeks to live. She is 36. She has two boys, 13 and 9.

Lately, my prayer life has consisted of a lot of "Why? Why? Why?" prayers. God, I know you can heal her. Why aren't you healing her? Why do they have to suffer so much?

The other day, as I was cleaning the kitchen, and going through another round of "Why?" prayers, God so gently pointed out to me that I get very exasperated when KK starts in with the whys. And often my final answer is "because mommy said so"... There are so many things that I can't explain to her and for now, my best answer is "because mommy said so".

That's the way it is with God too. I was finally able to view his position as a parent and how sometimes, his best answer is "because Daddy said so".

We don't know the end of the story yet. And we, in our finite knowledge, can't understand things to the depth that He does. And so for now, we just have to accept that He knows and wants us to understand, but for now, his answer is "because Daddy said so".

The State of Me

I was going to title this post "The State of the Union", but I thought y'all would get worried about my marriage. Don't worry about my marriage. It's ok.

Me, not so much.

I'd like to always be all pink and light pink, with little white stripes, a joke here and there. But sometimes lately I've been black, with thick white zigzags everywhere. And some yellow ones criss-crossing over them.

I'm this close to losing it people.

I haven't had a break in weeks. Not a long enough break to rejuvenate me. Not even a grocery-shopping-trip-break.

And it's not Peanut-lover's fault. He's at his breaking point too. Without going into great detail, he's been supporting his friend through the worst situation anyone can imagine. And getting extra pressure put on him from work. And that leaves no time for him to help me. I tell him that I ask him to do more, not because I don't think he's doing enough, but because I. Can't. Do. Any. More. And I don't know what else to do.

Me, me, me. Doesn't that sound all selfish of me? I hate it. Aren't I supposed to be all giving and loving and self-sacrificing? Well I have been. And it's burning me out.

I now know what it means to have "had it up to here". It's continually setting your own needs and wants aside. It feels like I'm constantly stuffing "me" down, like filling a suitcase to its max and then sitting on it to be able to close it (you know, like we all did before the airlines added all the luggage fees). I can actually feel it in my chest... and it feels like it's going to explode! And seriously, I can't deal with having to clean up my exploded self on top of everything else around here.

If you know me, you know that I'm not the type to go throwing things and breaking stuff. But I feel like throwing things and breaking stuff. Not my children. I have just barely enough self-control not to do that.

So that's me. All black and zigzaggy.

What do I want from you? Tell me you've been there too and that I'll make it. Tell me this is only a short time and I'll get through. Tell me how you did it.

I need to know I'm not alone.