Several months ago, one of the bloggers I follow recommended the book, "Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood" by Jim Fay and Charles Fay. (I can't figure out which blogger it was. Sorry.)
It sounded interesting, so I borrowed it from the library and started reading.
It. Is. Genius.
I already knew about giving children lots of choices, but I'd never thought to give them silly choices (just so you can give them MORE choices), but KK loves it.
Watch the magic:
Mommy: KK, you need to go pee before we go out.
KK: I don't need to go pee, I went yesterday.
Mommy: We're not going out until you go pee.
KK: I don't want to pee.
Mommy: GO PEE NOW!
KK (showing signs of frustration): But I don't. have. to. go. pee.
Mommy (remembering the magic): Are you going to pee purple or yellow?
KK: *snicker* I only pee yellow.
Mommy: Are you going to pee sparkly or not?
KK (laughing and heading into the bathroom): I can't pee sparkles!
Mommy: Is your pee going to tinkle or sing?
KK (pants down, sitting on the toilet): My pee doesn't sing, it tinkles!
Mommy: What's that I hear?
KK: I'm peeing!!
Magic, right?
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I find that when I get the most frustrated with the kids, and start yelling and forcing them to do things my way, it's because I'm feeling a loss of control in some way and I'm trying to regain control. But the yelling way doesn't really work, because it just escalates them and then I have to yell louder and we feed off of each others' frustration. The Love and Logic Method makes me feel in control because I'm always giving them two choices, both of which I'm ok with:
- are you going to wear your coat or carry it?
- are you going to clean up your toys now or in 2 minutes?
- are you going to do up your seat belt or should mommy do it?
There's way more to the method than just giving choices too: using enforceable statements, setting a limit once, and the "Uh-oh" song (magic with JJ) are just a few of the other tools I've been using lately.
One of the main concepts behind the method is that children are smart and can (and should) figure stuff out better themselves when given the right learning environment. I noticed, with KK, that when I would lecture her, she would get too stressed and I could tell that the information wasn't getting in. The Love and Logic people explained that that is a typical "fight or flight" reaction to stress. Instead of lecturing when kids do something wrong, the method is to set the limit once, and then apply logical consequences, with a heavy dose of empathy, if the limit is crossed. Kids are smart enough to figure out what behaviour is causing the consequence within one or two episodes.
The heavy dose of empathy, which is made up of pre-practiced statements, is what really helps me with my feelings of frustration and loss of control. Instead of yelling at the kids, I force myself to be empathetic with them, while still administering the consequences. It helps me divert my anger into something productive.
I'm still new at it, so of course I forget to use it many times, but so far, I'm really finding I love this method. More for how it helps me control my frustration with the kids than anything else.
It's not just for early childhood either. The writers have resources for all ages. Click here to check out their website.
This sounds like a very good book. I might have to check it out. I tend to do that yelling thing when I get frustrated and I think they just defy me more at that point because I am so frustrated.
ReplyDeleteI loved the potty thing you did with KK, very clever.
You know, I'm surprised that more parents haven't used techniques like this a lot sooner. We do tend to learn the best when we are doing (as you said in your post) rather than when we are feeling stressed or harassed.
ReplyDeleteMy step-mother really should have tried this when she raising my brother and sister...my brother especially would have benefited from this approach. He rarely does what he is supposed to without a scene (he's 13 now) because he is so frustrated at being dictated to (among a few other issues).
It always amazes me what you can get a kid to do when they are receptive to what you are telling them.
Emily
Love this book! It is extremely popular with adoptive parents, you know, who are trying to build attachment with their children.
ReplyDeleteYup, I need to read this. I'm loving what you said here and I definitely need more ideas for my two strong-willed (strangely in two different strong-willed ways) boys.
ReplyDeleteLove it. thank you.
Hrm...this sounds like an interesting book and method!
ReplyDelete....
Ok, I just hopped over to my library's site and requested it, although I don't think this exact version is the one I'm getting. It's under a different title - "Parenting with Love & Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility". Hopefully its the same methods.
My son is only 15 months old and I'm already feeling the mommy frustration when he exerts his um... independence...lol...and hiding in the bathroom to scream at the top of my lungs just ain't gonna cut it for much longer. :)
P.S. I LOVED the camping series. Your witty humor & offbeat banter cracks me up, and is what draws me into reading every.single.post of yours word for word as it zooms into my handy dandy google reader. (Something I rarely ever do with the other 60 blogs I follow!)