Con's Funeral

I've been avoiding writing this post for about a week now. I didn't really know what I wanted to say, or how to say it, and I didn't really want to go back through more of the grief again. I think I'm ready now. I'm still not sure how to write this one...

Con's viewing was on Thursday, August 28. We decided not to take KK to the viewing because we thought it would be very emotional and private. We were told that the casket would be open at the funeral, so we felt that would be a better time to let KK see Con's body. So the weenuts stayed at home with my sister-in-law.

It turned out that the viewing was the only time that the casket was open. It was actually a large prayer service with over 200 people. I didn't really know the catholic prayers that were being said, so instead I spent the time pleading with God to raise her up and heal her. I don't know why He didn't, but I do know that He could have. He has a plan in mind and as much as I can't understand it, I trust it.

The funeral was very emotional. Con's husband sat us right up with the family. Peanut-lover was a pall-bearer, so he sat separately from me and KK. If he had been with me, I probably would have spent the entire time sobbing, but as it was, I had to keep KK quiet, so I managed to hold myself together for the most part. It was rough though.

The internment was difficult, but not as hard as I'd expected. Just final. Very final.

In retrospect, we should have taken KK to everything. We ended up just confusing her by not exposing her to the whole process. We had told her that Con was very sick and so her body stopped working. I explained at the funeral that the casket was like a special bed that held Con's body and that we were all sad because we missed Con.

Later KK started saying some very disturbing things which I don't want to repeat. When I couldn't figure out where she got ideas like that, I finally scolded her for them and told her that she was not to say them again. Finally Peanut-lover talked with her and figured out that KK believed that it was only Con's body in the casket, but that her head was still living (as seen in the picture at the funeral). See what I mean about confusing her by not letting her see Con's body?

Oh well. We'll know for next time. (Please Lord, let that be a long time from now.)

We are still grieving, but it is getting easier for us. Most days, I go for several hours without thinking about it and then suddenly, the gravity of the situation shocks me and I have to catch my breath and sometimes have a little cry.

The hard part is seeing the tragedy that is left behind in her husband and two boys. We are most grieved at the pain they are enduring. The new life that they are trying to live, while clinging so hard to the old one. They are suffering and have a long, hard road ahead. If you think of them, pray that Jesus will comfort them and guide them. This is not fair, but it is life. And life sucks sometimes. A LOT.

Going through this experience with them has opened my eyes and given me grace for others. You never know what someone is dealing with in their life. If you had seen Con two weeks before she died, you would not have even thought she was sick. How many other people do we run into every day that are dying from cancer? Or have just lost their mommy? Or just buried their wife? Or are overwhelmed because suddenly, they are having to live a whole new life that they never chose? Those that are experiencing hell on earth still have to go on with life.

Grace for others. If nothing else, that is the good that has come out of this tragedy.