A Hard Post to Write

Many of you know this already, but for those of you who don't... very early Saturday morning, our friend Con ended her battle with colorectal cancer. This is the same friend that I wrote about here. She leaves behind a devoted husband and two boys, 13 and 9.

I have struggled with writing about it for a few different reasons. Firstly, I don't want to use their sad story as "material" for my blog... in fact, I dread the thought. And also, I don't like writing about gloomy stuff or anything that might draw attention for the wrong reasons. I like being silly and goofy. I like writing about light-hearted stuff.

But tonight, my heart is not light and it just feels wrong to write about silly stuff. And I don't want to NOT write, because I like you guys. I like how you come back for more every day and support me with comments, here or on facebook or email. So I don't want to just go away. And I want my blog to be an honest journaling of my life. So that is why I write tonight.

The connection I had to Con was that our husbands work together. Three years ago when she first was diagnosed with cancer, we hardly knew her and only knew her husband from work stuff. But Peanut-lover felt strongly that he needed to support her husband, so he started going to the gym with him every morning before work. Through that time, they became close friends and over the past 6 months, we have spent a lot of time with Con and her family.

The last time I saw her was less than two weeks ago in the hospital. She looked tired, but otherwise very well and was anticipating being discharged on the weekend. She knew she had only weeks to live, but was intent on fighting until the very end. She wanted more time with her boys.

We went on our camping trip and cut it short by a day because of the rain. We got home on Thursday afternoon, unpacked, started in on the laundry, had supper, got the kids to bed, finished a movie, turned off the lights... then the phone rang. We learned that Con was not well and Peanut-lover decided to go to the hospital to support his friend for a few hours.

Friday morning at 8:30, we learned that Con was not expected to survive the day. So Peanut-lover went back to the hospital, along with another coworker and stayed there until the very end. He came home at 6:30 am and caught a few hours of sleep.

These days have been hard for us. Not hard like they are for her family, but still hard. And I can only tell our story. There is sadness and grief, exhaustion, confusion, and frustration. I am trying to be strong, because Peanut-lover is trying to be strong to help his friend through the grief. I have not had much opportunity to grieve myself. My role is to take on more at home so that Peanut-lover is freed up to be with his friend. I got really frustrated with the kids today, which is shameful because Con, a mom, had to leave her two boys behind yesterday.

I'm also struggling to explain to KK what has happened. She can't possibly grasp death or grief, but is noticing the sadness and will notice Con's absence. She talked about Con all the time. She will miss her. I've told her that Con was very sick and that her body stopped working. I've told her that usually when people get sick, they get better, but sometimes they don't. I've told her that Con has gone to heaven and we are all sad because we don't get to see her anymore. I don't know what else to tell her, so I just repeat these things over and over every time they come up. And they come up at the most unexpected times.

If I seem absent, it is because I'm running on autopilot. I'm catching myself lost in memories or sad thoughts and not even realizing that my children have been needing my attention. I feel like I'm walking through jello. So I need to try to use my focused time on my children.

Blogwise, I'm not sure what this week will look like. I hope it will not all be sad. It might be a little bare. I do have some funny stories that I want to tell. I just have to figure out how to weave them in at this sad time, without seeming disrepectful or fake. Bear with me...