Are you a facebooker? I sure am. One of the things I'm addicted to is the status updates. They are like my new method of self-expression. More for me than anyone else, I think! This week's status updates have been all over the map.
Anywho, I've had a hard time blogging this week. Not for lack of stories to tell. In fact, I have 3 posts sitting in my drafts right now, that I just don't feel it's right to post.
I posted earlier this morning and have since been going back and forth about whether it was appropriate. It felt fake to talk about life outside of the sadness and grief that has followed the loss of our friend Con. But I posted it and it's there.
Whatev.
So it feels better to follow-up an unrelated post with a quick update on how we're doing over here. I've been busy. Another reason why it's hard to blog. I have much to catch up on after our camping trip and I haven't been sleeping well. Evenings have been spent helping Peanut-lover debrief after spending time with his friend helping him debrief and grieve. This is all new territory for Peanut-lover and I'm proud of him for carrying on. He knew when he started this friendship that it would come to this and still he persisted.
I'm sad, but not overwhelmingly so. It still hasn't really sunk in for me. It's hard to believe that that sweet woman is gone. That we don't get to see her anymore. But mostly I'm just busy. And a little scatterbrained. Can you tell?
Thursday night will be the viewing and that will be very hard. Friday is the funeral and internment. Fortunately, Peanut-lover's sister will be coming to stay with us Thursday night to help out with the kids. This sister is amazing, by the way. She has a two-month-old and is coming out to help us. This is the same sister that stayed with us the night before JJ was born, so that we wouldn't have to worry about KK just in case I went into labour. Which I did. Anyways, I'm very grateful to her for her generosity towards us.
We are not entirely sure about how much to expose KK to. Con loved KK very much and would want her to be there. Our plan is to leave her at home for the viewing, but to take her to the funeral on Friday. We won't take JJ to anything, just because it'll be easier not to. After the funeral, I'll run KK home and feed JJ, then leave them at home while we go to the internment.
We haven't decided yet if we will let KK see Con's body at the funeral. We've tried to be as open as possible with her about what has happened. She is very perceptive and would know if we were trying to hide something from her. I think it might help her with the finality of it if she can see Con's body. I know it can be a little freaky for us, but KK hasn't quite hit the fear part of the imagination stage yet. So she really can't imagine outside of experiences she has already had. By that I mean, she won't be able to imagine some of the things we do when we see a dead body.
I don't know though, so I turn it over to you guys. Do you have any experience with young children and funerals? Any advice you could share with me?
I have always recommended taking young children to see the body of a "loved one" or a close family friend. They handle it really well and it's good for them to see the processing of grief. Only in North America do we "sterilize" the death/grief process. The rest of the world has some form of a wake where people gather with the body of the deceased to say their goodbyes and to share their memories of that person togehter. We have robbed ourselves of an important part of "closure" by somehow feeling that acknowledging death and seeing a dead body is emotionally unhealthy for us and, especially, for young children. The truth is that denial is far more unhealthy. You've said that KK knows when you're hiding something from her ....that's good reason for including her in the process. However, having said all that, you need to trust your heart to guide you as to what's best for KK. I know you'll make the right decision. Love you lot's,
ReplyDeleteDad
I think it depends on the nature of the child first of all. If they're a more sensitive and easily scared or disturbed child, etc. And their age. I think a mom's gut tells her if it's a bad idea to see a body, etc. Some moms feel it's a reality that must be dealt with. Others feel it's okay to wait until a child can more fully understand.
ReplyDeleteLike Dad :) said above, it's so good to treat it with respect and not act like it's big and scary and awful. Which you're too smart to have done anyway. When my G'pa died and Miles came to the funeral, we just talked about it like it was a part of life, since it is, kind of sweetly and matter of fact-like. And then we would watch him think and think and think it over, and move on to playing with his cousins. They are so resilient!